| | I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home is a feeling I buried in you
She couldn't sleep. Every time she tried, she thought of him. Of what might be, of what almost was, of what never will be. Suddenly she kicked the covers off, grabbed her book and headed out to the back porch.
The sun was just getting ready to come up and the sky was a pink-orange color. It reminded her of the drink Francie kept plying her with last night. It had been nice to go out and act semi-normal again. It had taken considerable skill, but she finally moved Francie away from the guy-at-work topic. That was the last thing she wanted to talk about. Instead she asked how Will was adjusting to his new job. She, of course, already knew, but Francie was just so proud that he was back on his feet again. It was a comfortable night, but she just couldn't shut up that voice in the back of her brain - Don't you wish he was here, sitting next to you, holding your hand, laughing with Francie? When they got back she went to bed, claiming jet lag and an early meeting. She desperately wanted to talk to someone, but the only person she wanted to talk to was the one person she couldn't. She was startled out of her thought when the back door slid open.
"Hey," Will said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, "what are you doing out here?"
"Nothing, just thinking," she answered, closing her book.
He pulled a chair up next her and settled in. "How did your trip go?" he asked carefully. Her jaw immediately clenched and he knew something was wrong.
"Okay, you know nothing out of the ordinary," she lied.
Shifting so he was looking right at her, he said "Bullshit. What happened? You can tell me."
"I almost blew my cover," she said softly. "They almost killed us both."
"Both? Who? You and Dixon?" he asked in astonishment.
"No, me and Vaughn. It was stupid and it's never going to happen again," she replied, still facing away from him.
At the mention of Vaughn's name he sat up in the chair. "I don't understand. How did SD-6 find out about Vaughn?"
"He asked me out to dinner. I said yes. We were finishing dinner when they showed up. Vaughn had to kill them both, but we got away." She didn't tell him about the room key.
"Jesus Syd! What were you thinking?"
She turned and faced him. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. "We weren't thinking. I think that's painfully obvious."
When he got past the fact she was almost killed, the realization of what she said hit him. "Wait, Vaughn asked you to dinner? Like a date? What about the girlfriend?"
"He broke it off with her the night we saw them in the bar. Told her there was someone else and it wasn't fair for either one of them. Apparently, she didn't seem too surprised," she finished.
"Well, what happens now? Are you like a couple or something?" he asked with a smirk.
She laughed bitterly. "Not hardly. We can't even go to dinner without a gunfight erupting. That's probably a bad way to start a relationship."
"So you're going to give up, just like that?" Will asked, the smirk changing into a frown. This was not the Sydney he knew.
"What else can I do? It's not worth risking both of our lives. I have enough blood on my hands as it is. I know it seems harsh, but I'm okay with it, I promise," she said too routinely.
Will took a long look at her. The last time he'd seen her like this was after Danny died. "I believe you Syd," he said, standing. "You want some coffee or something? I bet we can badger Francie into making breakfast."
"I think I'll stay out here a little bit longer," she said, opening her book again.
When she heard the door shut she looked back out at the sunrise, tears streaming down her face.
I'm alright,
I'm alright.
It only hurts when I breathe
******
By mid-morning she was done. Her debrief, freshly printed was in Sloane's inbox. Turning the corner to go back to her desk, she ran into her father.
"Morning Dad," she said.
He smiled at her. "Sydney, I was just on my way to find you. I wanted to ask you a few questions regarding your mission," he said, leading her into the all-too-familiar conference room. She barely got the doors closed before he pulled out the signal jammer.
"I heard about your date with Agent Vaughn," he said grimly.
She shook her head and replied, "It was only dinner and I know what you're going to say.." He cut her off before she could finish.
"That it was completely inappropriate, against protocol, not to mention endangering everything we've been working towards," he said, harshly. At her pained expression he soften his approach. "I know you have feelings for him, but this is not the time. You understand that, don't you?"
"I do. We both do." She replied as the jammer beeped. They both stood, but before they left the room , Jack put his hand on her shoulder.
"Why don't you take the rest of the day off. You look like you need some rest. You'll be okay?"
Putting on a smile, she nodded. "I'll be fine, Dad."
I'm alright,
I'm alright,
It only hurts when I breathe
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