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John was tackled against the wall and dragged into the transporter, without even so much as a hello.
“Rodney--mmph--” John was cut off as Rodney launched a wet and enthusiastic attacked on his mouth.
Rodney's arm brushed past him, hitting a location on the map. The transporter whooshed shut and a familiar tingling sensation transported them to a remote place within the city.
“What are you doing?” John managed to sneak out between kisses. “We have a meeting with Elizabeth in fifteen minutes.”
Rodney gave him a grunt and a short look of exasperation. “Which gives us only fourteen and a half minutes, so we'd better hurry up,” he said, as he started to grind up against John and tug at his shirt. Before John knew it, Rodney's hands had found bare skin and were tracing physics equations along his stomach.
John slumped against the wall and gave in. Rodney knew the truth, and the truth was he'd never been a stickler for rules, propriety, or good sense, which was why he'd become a pilot in the first place. The Air Force was the only branch of the military that allowed its officers to frequently behave like impulsive, horny teenage boys. In fact, in certain circumstances, the Air Force counted on it.
Adrenaline and pheromones were slowly replacing the oxygen in his blood, and John felt hypoxic. Fourteen and a half minutes? More than enough time, long as Rodney kept right on doing what he was doing.
“I notice that you aren't worried about someone accidentally seeing us?” Rodney murmured as he started to unbutton John's pants.
John shivered, thrilled. “What can I say, I like to live dangerously.”
Rodney started to trail wet kisses all the way from John's navel to the elastic band of his boxers. “You're right; an angry Elizabeth is much more dangerous. We can intimidate and beat anyone else into submission.”
“Well, except for Teyla--and Ronon, maybe,” John mumbled.
Rodney straightened and pressed his body so tightly against John's that he could feel the heat radiating off of him. “Right. But don't think I haven't noticed that Ronon acts like he owes you one. You'll have to explain what I've missed.”
John sighed as Rodney began tracing his jaw line with his lips. “I…may have told him Elizabeth's schedule--when she usually has lunch and dinner--so he knows when to avoid the mess hall. Fearless against the Wraith, but not so much when it comes to making small talk.”
Rodney chuckled and slid back down to continue where he'd left off. John leaned back quickly and brought his hands up so that they rested behind his head; he must have leaned close to the map, though, because just as Rodney's breath teased him through his underwear, John's fingers touched upon the transporter map. The doors closed and they were de-materialized and re-materialized five miles away.
“Whoa--” John said, light-headed. The doors opened up on the north pier and the smell of sea water washed over them. “You've got to feel this,” he whispered into Rodney's ear, dragging him up as he reached down to grab Rodney's cock through his pants.
As soon as Rodney moaned and arched against him, John smacked his hand against the transporter map.
The door whooshed shut, and Atlantis spirited them away to yet another location.
Rodney collapsed against the transporter doors right before they opened; when they did, he fell backwards, bringing John along with him. They landed in a heap on the floor.
“That was fucking amazing,” Rodney exclaimed still panting. “The re-materialization process must enhance--”
“It's like getting head when you haven't had sex in over a year.”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Like you'd know.”
John glared at him, but they were wasting precious moments by talking. He scrambled up, hauling Rodney up with him. “Come on.”
John pushed him back into the transporter, tracing a line along Rodney's neck with his tongue. Not to be outdone, Rodney grabbed John by his half-open pants and brought his hips up against him.
John waved his arms around randomly until he hit the transporter map.
As the doors whooshed open yet again, the two of them collapsed against each other completely.
“How come we never notice this sensation before?” John panted.
Rodney leaned slightly to the side to select another location at random. “It must have something to do with the intensity of the current mood or emotions—it's probably a feedback loop...or something. Who cares?”
John exhaled slowly, trying to regain a bit of control after they rematerialized. If they kept this up, it'd be over soon and they'd actually have ten minutes of free time before the meeting. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing. John was pleasantly learning that unlike having sex with women, having sex with Rodney was much less stressful: there was no need for flowers; he doubted Rodney knew or cared how to water a plant (and he was probably allergic, anyway). Rodney didn't need any elaborate compliments; his ego was already the size of a small galaxy. As far as John could tell, the only thing that Rodney wanted from him was cooperation when it came to one of his schemes, involvement in John's schemes, plus sex, chocolate and food. Giving Rodney chocolate almost always guaranteed sex, and any time dinner was involved, Power Bars were just as good as any three-course meal in a fine French restaurant. The food was really less for wooing and more for providing fuel so they could get down to more scheming or sex. John was also fairly certain that Rodney would never, ever ask him if something made him look fat.
A sudden glow from just outside the transporter room caught their attention. “I don't think we've explored this part of the city yet,” John commented when it became obvious that Rodney was now distracted by their new location. He sighed from the loss of contact as Rodney moved away and looked out of the transporter room. Reluctantly, John pushed himself off the wall and followed him.
As he slowly looked around, he noticed that the transporter had opened up into a room instead of a hallway. The room didn't look threatening; in fact, it looked rather comfortable, albeit a bit dusty. Ten thousand years of dust, John thought, but truth be told, he was constantly amazed at how well the Ancients preserved things. There were cushions thrown about the floor in intricate patterns and a rather inviting-looking bed in the corner. John wondered if they hadn't accidentally stumbled upon some old living quarters.
“It's just some fancy room,” he said casually, trying to pull Rodney back into the transporter, but Rodney didn't budge.
“There's not supposed to be anything more than minimal power to this section of the city,” Rodney said, pointing to the glowing sphere that was sitting on a decorative column in the middle of the room. “Why the hell is this device glowing?”
Reluctantly, John pushed his lust into a corner of his mind as he processed Rodney's words. Looking around once more, he started to get that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
The glowing sphere started to pulsate. John ripped out his sidearm and pushed Rodney behind him.
Rodney immediately pushed John back out of the way so he could see, too.
“I don't think we're in Kansas anymore,” John muttered under his breath.
Just at that moment, the column holding the glowing sphere rose up towards the ceiling, revealing a large, white gun underneath. John forcefully pushed Rodney back and aimed at the weapon.
A high-pitched buzzing sound filled the room. John fired his gun several times in rapid succession, but the bullets just ricocheted off the side of the weapon without causing it any damage. The buzzing got louder and louder.
He lowered his gun and turned to Rodney. “Get back in the transporter!”
But just as they tried to scramble back the way they came, the doors to the transporter whooshed shut…and wouldn't open again. John contemplated trying to shoot them, but when he raised his gun, Rodney smacked him in the arm.
“Whoa, cowboy. You could blow up the transporter and then we'll really be stuck. Move.”
John got out of the way, but before Rodney's could finish getting the panel off to get to the control crystals, the buzzing reached its peak. Looking over at the weapon, he held his breath. A red beam shot out from the weapon, aimed directly at him and Rodney. Rodney screamed, and for a wild, panic-filled second, John felt warm all over. Then the beam shut off, and he suddenly felt cold.
Very cold.
John glanced down at himself and then over at Rodney who was hugging himself. He broke out laughing--of all the things he'd been expecting, this was the last thing on his list.
Rodney opened one of his eyes to look around, and then quickly opened both of them as soon as he saw John.
“What the –” Rodney stared in disbelief. “You're naked!”
“So are you.” John pointed out.
“What kind of weapon shoots a beam at you that dissolves all your clothes?” Rodney asked, putting his hands over his crotch and slinking away from John, towards the column.
John raised a curious eyebrow. “I've seen it before, you know. Just last night, in fact.”
The response was an emphatic head shake. “The heat of the moment is one thing. This is something else entirely.” Rodney turned away from John so that he could examine the gun without having to cover himself.
Idly walking up to him and smacking him on the ass, John grinned. “Nice butt, by the way.”
Rodney threw him a glance of pure evil. “You're not helping. We just had our clothes dissolved by an Ancient device. Don't you think we should be concentrating on that?”
John shrugged. “It didn't dissolve my gun, or our watches and radios. How bad can it be?”
Judging from the way Rodney threw his hands up in exasperation, worse than he thought.
John turned and started exploring the room, leaving Rodney to figure out the device. There was nowhere for him to put his gun, so he had no choice but to carry it around in his hand. Just as he'd figured from his initial look around, the rest of the room was harmless enough. There was nothing but pillows strewn about and the bed in the corner. On the walls were small shelves that held what looked like really old incense. John sat down on the bed and confirmed that it was, indeed, comfortable.
He put his feet up and watched as Rodney scratched his head.
“Figured it out yet?”
That earned him a glare. “It's a low energy transporter from what I can tell. It just separated us from our clothes and beamed them away somewhere. Or destroyed them. I'm not sure which. ”
“Why?”
“I don't know, why don't you ask it?” Rodney snarked back.
John sighed and got up off the bed. Right--Rodney's moods when he was working on something; always best to either help or get out of the room. Or, of course, annoy him. “Fine. Dear Atlantis. Why did you dissolve all our clothes?”
You entered the Room of Life.
John tripped over one of the cushions as he was walking back to Rodney and fell on the floor. His gun went sliding across the room. “What?!”
Rodney stared back at him. “What, what ?”
“What?” John asked, confused.
The eye roll that followed was patented Rodney. “What do you mean by ‘what'?”
“You didn't hear?”
“Hear what?”
John stood back up again and picked up his gun. “Atlantis talked to me.”
Rodney came over and put a hand on his forehead. “You were closer to that beam than I was. Are you feeling okay?”
“It dissolved our clothes, not my sanity!” John snapped back.
“Atlantis never talked to you before, did she?”
John shook his head. “No, but I never really asked her anything either.”
A smart-ass response like that would have earned him a scathing response in other circumstances, but now Rodney just eyed him curiously.
“What?”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “We're not starting that again. Are you going to tell me what she said, or not?”
“She said this was the Room of Life.”
“How utterly unhelpful. Why'd she take our clothes?”
John took a deep breath and tried to exercise his patience; his supply had never been plentiful but it was definitely running a little bit low these days. “There were feelings and images along with just the statement, Rodney. I think this is the Ancient equivalent of the Honeymoon Suite – except with procreation in mind rather than just recreation.”
Rodney took a moment to process everything that he said and then took a large step back, spun on his heel and headed for the door. “Okay, we need to go. Now.”
Of course, the door still wouldn't open when he approached it, so Rodney quickly went back to work on the control crystals. After working intently for a few minutes, a shower of sparks came from the panel.
John went over to investigate, but Rodney slumped against the wall in defeat.
“Make Atlantis let us go,” Rodney finally asked. “Please. I really, really don't want to have any children.”
John raised an eyebrow, then shrugged. He'd never expected Atlantis to answer back the first time. Maybe it was worth a shot.
“Hey Atlantis, it's me, John Sheppard again. Elizabeth's going to start looking for us in a few minutes and we already have to figure out what to do about our lack of clothes, could you please just let us out?” He felt ridiculous talking out loud like this.
No , Atlantis answered in his head, filling his mind with lewd images of what he should be doing instead.
“Fine. Be like that,” John narrowed his eyes at the ceiling, where he imagined the voice coming from. “Looks like we're on our own, Rodney. And I have a feeling that we're stuck in here until…you know. I think Atlantis wants to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running through the halls.”
Rodney started to bang his head against the wall. “Then we'll get her some iguanas from the mainland or something. See--that's one of the benefits of having sex with guys. There is no begetting of progeny. In case it wasn't obvious to you, I don't like children. They're small, they're smelly, they're always asking you things that they have no hope of understanding, and they cry for no reason at all…and that's not even discussing the change in plumbing that'll be required to have kids. I don't have that kind of plumbing and last time I checked, you didn't either--”
“Rodney...”
“And I'm very happy with the way mine works, thank you very much. Sure, sometimes it goes up and down and inappropriate times, but overall, I'm very happy with its performance. I feel no need to mess with what Mother Nature gave me, so don't go getting any ideas that I'm the one that has to become a human incubator…”
“Rodney!” John had to shout to be heard over his babbling. Rodney stopped talking. “I don't think we're thinking this all the way through. Surely people can have lots of sex, and still not conceive, right? Atlantis wouldn't keep them in here forever; they need food and drink in order to keep trying—”
“Oh God, I'm going to starve to death. I'll have to give up Little Rodney or die by starvation! What kind of options are those?”
“You named your penis Little Rodney?” John asked incredulously then quickly waved his hand. “Never mind; really don't want to know. Look, I think we're going about this all wrong. Atlantis measures bio-signals, and every piece of Ancient technology has a mental component to it as well. Atlantis just needs to figure out that we're trying, and she'll probably let us go.”
“You think all we need to do is have sex to live?”
John nodded.
“I can't do it under that kind of pressure! How am I supposed to concentrate when I'm starving to death? ”
John silently counted to ten. Rodney never badgered him for not showing enough affection, but John had certainly never met a woman that complained as much as he did. Thank God he knew how to shut him up, at least. He picked up one of the pillows that was lying on the floor and brought it with him as he walked over to where Rodney was leaning against the wall. He threw the pillow back down and kneeled on it. “You're right Rodney; I'd better take care of this. We're running out of time and Elizabeth will be wondering where we are.”
Rodney looked down at him as John started to tease him with his hands and then narrowed his eyes even as he threw his head back, enjoying the sensations.
“That's two insults,” Rodney mumbled as John revived his erection. “First you're implying that you're better at this than me, and second, you're saying that I'm fast! I've never heard you complain before.”
John took Rodney's cock into his mouth, slowly working his tongue. Rodney slumped his head against the wall and didn't say another word.
~~~
“Colonel, Dr. McKay? This is Dr. Weir.” Elizabeth's voice crackled over the comms, interrupting John's rhythm. Rodney twisted his hand in John's hair as John stopped and leaned back a little to listen to her transmission. “What's your location? We're about to start the meeting.”
“We're coming…soon, I think,” John replied, a little out of breath, and gave Rodney an evil smile. “At least, I'm trying really hard, but McKay's taking his time.”
Rodney shot him a look of death and then hit his radio button. “Fine. I'm fine. We're both fine, Elizabeth. The Colonel just said he'd help me but ---”
“Would you rather just do this yourself?” John asked wickedly, making sure to key the radio so Elizabeth could hear.
Rodney pushed John away and took his dick in his own hands. “Well, if I want something done right, apparently I need to do it myself.”
John smiled. “Maybe Dr. Weir can come and help?”
“Gentlemen,” Elizabeth's voice came back over the radio, cutting them both off, but John was done talking. Rodney was staring at him with a wild look in his eyes and pumping his erection furiously. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him and he covered his mike with his hands.
“You want Elizabeth to join in too?” he whispered.
Rodney shook his head violently but increased his rhythm. John smirked.
“You want her sandwiched between us, or just standing off to the side watching?” John continued, egging him on. Rodney responded by pumping even faster.
“Well, just finish what you're doing,” Elizabeth's voice cut in, “and meet me in the Level 14 meeting room when you're done. We'll just start without you.”
John nodded to Rodney, who came all over himself, throwing his head back against the wall in abandon.
“Yes ma'am. Sheppard out.”
“Why didn't you ever tell me, you dog?” He asked playfully as Rodney closed his eyes and slumped to the floor, panting.
The transporter whooshed open. Rodney sighed in relief and then turned his head to look at him. “You're crazy. You know that right?”
John grinned.
“What if she heard you? Oh God, I'd hate to think what she'd do.” Rodney reached over to the pillow and fumbled with using it to clean up.
“You worry too much. I bet Elizabeth has some pretty interesting fantasies buried in her mind somewhere.”
A loud snort. “Yeah right. She said to meet her in the Level 14 meeting room, right?”
John nodded.
“Damn, what am I going to do? My quarters are on that level, and I'll have to walk right by the meeting room to get there. She's going to see us!”
John thought about it for a moment and then grinned even wider. “Do you know how to make an explosion that they'll feel in the meeting room--without actually damaging anything?”
Rodney looked at him like he'd lost his mind. “Oh please. Of course. There's an engineering lab on the level below; I can always overload one of the power cells they use to run the simulation computers. Why?”
“Any way we can get in there without anyone seeing us?”
~~~
“The fourth reactor is running at eighty-six percent efficiency—” Zelenka droned on, reading from his notes when an explosion rocked the meeting room.
Elizabeth braced herself in her chair as the noise reverberated and shook the walls. Zelenka jumped up and was about to run out the room when she put up her hands to stop him. She tapped on her radio. “Rodney, John! Come in.”
“Sheppard here.”
Elizabeth heard his voice over the radio and felt her tension levels lower a little. “And McKay?”
“He's here too. We're fine. Sorry about that. We had a bit of explosion in the lab. Rodney just discovered this new piece of Ancient technology, and we were trying to figure out what it did when it went off.”
She breathed a small sigh of relief. “Nothing's wrong, then?”
John's chuckle was answer enough, almost.
“Everything's fine. Sorta. Except for the mess. We're not sure what it did, but for some reason, there's a really sexy looking fighter jet in front of me.”
“What?” Elizabeth asked, sure she'd misunderstood. She looked over to Zelenka who shook his head in confusion. “What's a plane doing in the lab?”
“I don't think it's actually here,” John responded wistfully. “I can go up to it and put my hand through it. It's just air. But damn, I wish it was.”
“McKay, can you see this plane too?”
Elizabeth tapped her fingers on the table as she waited. It was a few seconds before Rodney responded and his voice sounded a bit odd. “Um…sorry Elizabeth. No, I don't see a plane, but there's a naked blonde woman standing in front of me…”
“I don't see any woman Elizabeth,” John interrupted. “Just this really sexy plane.”
Those two were going to be the death of her; she just knew it.
“Elizabeth, there are some panels on the side of the device that just activated. They look like EEGs. This device must be showing us--our fantasies, or something.”
She felt like rolling her eyes. Why was she not surprised? “Can you turn it off?”
“I don't think so,” Rodney responded. He sounded happy, though, and his tone of voice reassured her more than his words. “It's got a power source built in. I don't think it's very big, though. Shouldn't last more than a few more minutes.”
“Fine,” she responded, allowing herself a small moment of envy. She loved her job, but sometimes, especially when Rodney and John got into something or other, she felt odd pangs of loneliness: always on the outside looking in--
She gave herself a mental shake. “Why don't you two come up here and we can discuss this in person? Do you think anyone else in Atlantis will be affected?”
~~~
Rodney slapped John on the back as they broke into laughter just outside of the meeting room.
“Did you see the look on her face?” Rodney exclaimed, grinning as if he'd just won a million bucks.
John couldn't help but smile widely, urging Rodney to keep walking towards his quarters at the same time. Elizabeth had taken one look at them in the doorway…and kicked them out of the meeting room. They were now strolling stark naked through the middle of the hallway. “I think you might get to fulfill your fantasy after all, but we'll need to come up with a plan.”
He suspected Rodney's eager look mirrored his own. “We'll need some wine, and a good location. Oh, and we'll need some way that she can relax…maybe a vacation on some nice, warm planet…”
John nodded instantly. “I can get a puddle jumper…”
Rodney turned and smacked John on the arm. “Wait! M3X-599! It's perfect. She can come along to negotiate...”
“And then when the Pricians throw their nightly party…”
“Exactly! It's the perfect setting.” Rodney finished the sentence excitedly.
John gave him a last big grin before turning to look over his shoulder. “I'll set up the mission, but we gotta hurry. She's bound to find out sooner or later that Zelenka saw us naked as well.”
~~~
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