Title: First Impressions |
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Chapters 11-15 |
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Chapter 11 It’s Sunday morning and Sydney’s two weeks in Palo Alto are ending today. She can’t believe it has already been two weeks, the time has just flown by. Except for the last two days, of course. It’s hard, being in Palo Alto when she knows Michael isn’t. It’s as if her whole world has shifted, the light around her seems a little duller somehow. She wonders if this is how it will be from now on. Although her time in Palo Alto went quickly, so much has happened and she feels as if she’s changed somewhat. She came here a shy girl without a lot of confidence. And while two weeks hasn’t cured her of that, meeting Michael helped. Not that she’s going to just go out and strike up conversations with guys now, the thought still mortifies her. But she knows that, when the time is right, she will be able to carry on a normal conversation with someone. The fact that that someone won’t be Michael is something she is learning to come to terms with. She spent Thursday night crying herself to sleep, waking up, crying more, and crying herself back to sleep. Over and over. Friday was a little better. By Saturday she let Anne convince her to leave the house and see a movie. They went to see “Dead Poet’s Society.” When they left the theater, Sydney asked Anne if that was meant to cheer her up. Anne apologized, but Sydney had been teasing. It was a great movie and she was glad they had gone. Besides, the guy who played Todd is really cute! Sydney finishes packing her suitcase and drags it to Anne’s front door. She knows that when her dad gets here he will want to leave right away, and it will make her life easier if she’s ready. Anne is in the kitchen reading the paper. “Hey sweetie, there’s coffee made,” she says, holding up her own mug in proof. “Great,” Sydney says, pouring herself a cup. She sits down at the table with Anne. “What time is your dad supposed to get here?” Anne asks. “About eleven. I don’t know why he insisted on leaving L.A. so early, but whatever,” Sydney says, rolling her eyes. “That only leaves us with an hour and a half,” Anne says sadly. “It’s been really nice having you here, Sydney.” “It’s been nice being here.” “Even though you had your heart broken?” Anne asks. “Nah, I didn’t have it broken,” Sydney assures her. “Just jostled a little. And I wound up with a friend. An amazing friend whom I’m going to write to.” “Good,” Anne says. “What about you, are you going to try your luck with that professor guy?” Sydney asks, grinning at her. Anne blushes and gets up to get another cup of coffee, avoiding Sydney’s scrutiny. “It’s funny you ask,” she says, her back turned. “I saw him on Friday and he asked me out. We’re having dinner tonight.” “Anne!” Sydney exclaims. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Anne turns around and smiles at her. “I don’t know,” she says. “I guess I’m just a little nervous about the whole thing.” “Well I think it’s great. It gives me hope about love.” “Oh Sydney,” Anne says, sighing. “You will have your great love story. He, the one, will come along when you’re least expecting it.” Sydney nods her head, but introspectively she is afraid that she’s already met him and missed the opportunity because of her age. The next hour and a half speed by as Sydney and Anne chat and say their goodbyes. At almost eleven o’clock on the dot, Jack Bristow knocks on the door. ~~ Sydney walks into her bedroom and sets her suitcase down. She surveys the room and decides it’s time for a change. The frilly little girl decor has to go. She had been getting tired of the room before she left for Palo Alto, but now that she’s back and feels like she’s grown up so much in two weeks, she definitely needs to redecorate. She walks over to her dresser and fingers her favourite picture of herself and her mom. In the picture, Laura Bristow smiles at the camera, holding baby Sydney in her arms. Sydney is clutching a teddy bear and has her head resting against her mom’s shoulder. Sydney loves the picture because she can almost feel the love radiating between mother and daughter. She wishes she could feel that just one more time. For that matter, she wishes she could feel the love she sees in her father’s eyes in old pictures. He wasn’t always as emotionally unavailable as he is now. She’s got pictures of him with her as well, holding her and laughing. She just doesn’t display those on her dresser. In some ways the loss of him is harder than the loss of her mom because she has to deal with what’s left of him. Sydney opens her fanny pack and takes out a roll of film she took while in Palo Alto. She smiles as she thinks of three precious photos on the roll, taken at various locations around Stanford’s campus when Michael showed her around on Wednesday. Two are of him alone, and one is of the two of them, taken by a passer-by. She can’t wait to get them developed to see if they turned out all right. She opens her suitcase and begins putting her clothes away, all of them clean since she did laundry at Anne’s last night. She can’t stop thinking about Michael, and she wonders if he’s back in Palo Alto by now or still on the road from Tahoe. She shakes her head as she wonders how long it will take before she can go five minutes without thinking about him. She abandons her task and gets up and walks over to her desk. She opens the top drawer, takes out her writing set and sits down. As long as she’s thinking about him, she might as well begin the first letter. Maybe if she does that, she’ll be able to get him off her mind for a while. Dear Michael, Chapter 12 Sydney Bristow September 20, 1989 Dear Syd, I can’t believe I’m writing to you at boarding school, after all you had to do to convince your dad to let you live at home. Hopefully it’s not as bad as you thought it would be. I know you’re disappointed about the track team, but I’m sure the team will be great at this school too. I know they don’t train year round like the school you were supposed to go to, but you can still do that on your own. I know you, you have willpower! You even ran first thing in the morning on your vacation! Besides, I’m sure you’ll meet other athletic girls who are (almost) as dedicated as you are, and you can all train together. Thanks for the copy of the picture of us together, it really turned out great. Well, I think I look kind of stupid, but I always think that. I have it pinned up on my bulletin board over my desk, so I’m looking at it right now as I write. Everything is good with me. My classes are really interesting, although none of my profs are as good as Anne (I finally feel comfortable referring to her that way, now that she’s not my teacher anymore!) I can’t wait until the end of the year when I will be done. And no, I still don’t know what I want to do at that point. I have a new roommate this year. I’ve lived with the same two guys, Jeff and Bryan, since second year, but Jeff moved in with his girlfriend this year, so we had to fill his room. We placed an ad and found Andrea, who’s great. She’s a psych major in her third year. She’s really smart and funny, you’d like her. I think Bry’s got a crush on her, but he won’t admit it. I don’t think he’s her type though. He’s kind of a geek, he’s always fiddling around on his computer. He’s a great guy though, really smart and a lot of fun. I hope you can meet him someday. The three of us went out the other night to shoot some pool. Andrea was awesome, she really sharked us. She didn’t beat me but she put Bryan to shame. I’m pretty good at pool, actually, I don’t know if I told you that before. Anyway, Bryan got pretty drunk and we literally had to carry him home. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I’m going to corrupt you! Hockey season has started, we have a game on Saturday against Cal. Cross your fingers for me that we’ll win. We have a pretty good team this year. Oh yeah, you asked what number I wear… 17. We’ll have to see if I stay out of the penalty box this year, it was like a second home to me last season. What can I say, I’m a bit of a scrapper. Okay, that’s all I’ve got to tell you for now. Write again soon, I loved getting your letter. I miss you. Love Michael ~~ Sydney reads the letter over and over. She doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Getting her first letter from Michael: good. Hearing that he misses her: great. Seeing “Love Michael” at the bottom of it: divine. Reading about his wonderful new roommate Andrea: not so good. “Did you get a letter from home?” Sydney’s roommate, Meredith asks, walking into the room. “No, it’s from a friend. A guy. A guy… friend,” she says incoherently, still wondering about Andrea. “Remember I told you about that guy Michael?” “Ooo, Stanford Man,” Meredith says, sitting down next to Syd on her bed. “Yeah,” Sydney says distractedly. “Was it a good letter?” “Yes and no. Here, read this part,” she says, pointing to the two paragraphs about Andrea. “Yeah, he’s got the hots for her,” Meredith says sympathetically as she finishes reading. “I think so too,” Sydney says dejectedly. “But we’re just friends, we don’t have any commitments. Of course he’s going to find a girlfriend his own age.” “Still bites the big one,” Meredith says profoundly. “Yeah, it does.” ~~ Michael Vaughn May 1, 1990 Dear Michael, First of all, I want to thank you so much for the birthday gift, I absolutely love it! I’ve been wearing it so much that this girl thought my name was Vaughn. Yeah, like I play hockey for Stanford. Hello! Anyway, it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten. Thank you. Track is going amazingly. We’ve been seriously kicking ass. I won the 100 meter, took third in the 200 meter, and we won the relay at our last meet. Meredith (my roommate) took the 400. I really lucked out when I got her for a roommate. We get along so well, and we were able to train together all year. She’s really awesome, I hope you can meet her sometime. How does it feel to be almost finished school? Do you still honestly still have no idea what you’re going to do next? That would drive me insane, I always have to have my next move mapped out. At least you know you’ve still got a place to live. That’s great that Bryan has already got a job lined up with a new computer company. What about Andrea, is she staying for the summer? Okay, about Andrea. You asked if I felt weird hearing about her. To be completely honest… yes, a little bit. But that’s my problem, not yours. She is your girlfriend, and I don’t expect you to not mention her. Besides, she sounds pretty cool. I liked how she stood up to Danielle when she was snarky to her. I am so not looking forward to going back home for the summer with my dad. At least he’s not bringing a nanny in. I guess he finally realized that I can take care of myself. It’s funny, I was so loathing coming here to Smythe, and now I don’t want to leave. You were right, it’s not as bad as I thought. I’m really going to miss Meredith, but we’re already planning to visit each other during the summer. Oh, you asked about me coming to Palo Alto this summer. Unfortunately, no. Well, unfortunate for me, but wonderful for Anne. She is taking the summer off and going to Europe with Ben (Professor Chilton) on his book tour! I’m so jealous, she’s going to have an amazing time. Well, I’d better go. Meredith is waiting impatiently for me to finish so that we can go to dinner. Write back soon. Love Syd Chapter 13 Michael Vaughn November 15, 1990 Dear Michael, Happy Birthday! I hope you like your present. I remember saying you had one when you were a kid but that it was lost in a move. How you lose something as big as a table top hockey set, I have no idea. I didn’t even realize how big it was until I went to the store to pick it up. Shipping it is going to be fun, but it’s worth it… as long as you like it. Things are going pretty well here. Everyone is looking forward to Thanksgiving, including me. Yes, you read that right; I am looking forward to a holiday. Why? Because I don’t have to spend it with my dad. He called and told me that he is going to be away on business that weekend, so I would have to stay here. That was a terse conversation. No “Hi Honey, how are you? How’s school? Tell me about your friends.” No, instead it’s “Sydney, I have to go away on business for Thanksgiving, you’ll have to stay there. I’m sending you a check. Goodbye.” It’s like talking to a frigging robot. Why does he figure that as long as he throws money at me he’s being a good father? I mean, that was the first time he called me all year. Not that it surprises me, he hardly talked to me all last summer. He lived in his own little world and I lived in mine. I think in a way it’s a relief for him not to have a nanny around anymore because she used to “bother” him with details about me. I have too much dignity to “bother” him. Screw him! I don’t need him! I’m sorry, I’m getting a little upset. He just really knows how to push my buttons sometimes, you know? Anyway, I’m not staying here, I’m going to Meredith’s house. Her family is really great. I don’t think I told you about them before. Her parents are really funny and they actually talk to their kids. Mere gets annoyed with them sometimes, but I think she appreciates the relationship she has with them. She’s got two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one still lives at home and goes to a school nearby, so Meredith gets really excited to see him. Her older brother, Tyler, goes to D.W. Smythe, the male version of our school. The two campuses are adjoined, and next year we will have classes with them. Ty is a senior. He plays varsity basketball and he’s really good. I’m looking forward to going to some of the games this year. Ty has his own car and he is driving us to their house for Thanksgiving. School is good, I’m acing all my classes. My lit class is very boring though, I read most of the books when I was in sixth grade. Anne laughed when I told her that, and she sent me a real reading list. Speaking of Anne, she’s getting married! They’re also thinking of moving to New York. Anne has received an offer from NYU. Ben says it doesn’t matter where they go since he’s writing fulltime now. As for you, I can’t believe you’re working with Bryan. Do you even know anything about computers? Anyway, it sounds like you’re enjoying it, so that’s great. Okay, I’m going to wrap this up now. I miss you and I wish we could see each other again. Can you believe we met almost a year and a half ago now? Write back soon, ~~ Sydney Bristow June 6, 1991 Dear Syd, Sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I got your last letter early last month, but I haven’t really been in the mood to write lately. Andrea and I broke up. She decided that she doesn’t want to stay in Palo Alto, she wants to go back to Boston where her family is. I don’t want to go to Boston, my life is in California. I’m not saying that I’ll never leave Palo Alto, I’ll probably end up back in L.A. at some point, but for now my life is here. My job is here, my friends are here. It’s not like she’s got a job lined up in Boston, either. But it’s what she wants, and it’s not what I want, so we broke up. If I think about it logically, I guess neither of us loved the other one enough to compromise. But that doesn’t change the fact that it feels awful. We were going out for over a year and a half, which is honestly the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. Speaking of relationships, that guy Tyler is an idiot for not being interested, Syd. Seriously, it’s his loss. I don’t know how he manages to sink any shots on the court, because he’s obviously blind. You are a really beautiful girl, Sydney, and I know that for a fact because I’ve got the latest picture you sent in front of me now. You were beautiful when I first met you, but as you mature you only get more beautiful. You will be breaking a lot of hearts in the next few years, Sydney Bristow. Mine included, I suspect. I guess your school year is almost finished. I was disappointed to hear that you’re not going home this summer, because I am probably going to be spending a week in L.A. next month. My mom just moved back there from Modesto, and I’m going to be visiting her. So you’re spending the summer in Toronto with your aunt and uncle? I had no idea your dad was originally from Canada. Does that mean you have Canadian citizenship? I wonder if you’ll come back saying “eh” all the time! I think you’ll have a good time. It will be nice not having to deal with your dad all summer. Well, I know this was a relatively short letter, but I’m going to end it now. Write me with your address in Toronto and I’ll write you there. Take care, Syd. Love Michael Chapter 14 Sydney Bristow February 14, 1992 Dear Syd, Happy Valentine’s Day to the sweetest girl I know. How are you feeling? Hopefully you’ve gotten over your cold by now. Things are okay here. I guess I’m kind of bored. I’m bored with my job, I’m bored with Palo Alto, and Bryan is getting on my last nerve. He’s my best friend, but we spend way too much time together. We work together, live together, and socialize with the same people. It’s just too much. My stock in the company is vesting in a couple of months, and I think I’m going to quit. It’s quite a bit of money. Well, to be honest with you Syd, it’s a lot of money. Enough that I will probably never have to work again. I probably will work again, but I won’t have to. I don’t know what I’ll do. I was thinking I might travel a bit. Maybe I’ll go live in France for awhile. I haven’t been there for longer than a couple of weeks since I was a kid, and I’ve got a lot of family there. It would be nice to spend some time with them. Australia is one place I’ve always wanted to visit, maybe I’ll go live there, learn to surf. Or maybe I’ll stay here in the States and follow the Kings around during hockey season. Who knows? What do you think, Syd? Any suggestions? You’ve talked about traveling. Do you think you will be able to before you go to college? You could always go the summer after you graduate. Hey, you never know, I might be somewhere on the other side of the world and you can come visit me. That would be something. We’ve been in the same state for the last three years and haven’t seen each other, but I consider moving around the world and expect you to come visit me. I don’t know, your dad would probably never allow it. Okay, this is a short letter, but I really don’t have anything else to tell you. Write back soon. Love Michael ~~ Sydney folds Michael’s letter up and sits down on her bed. She sighs and leans back against her pillows. After all this time, getting one of Michael’s letters still causes the same reaction in her. Her stomach started churning with an odd mixture of excitement and trepidation as soon as she opened her mailbox and saw the familiar handwriting. The trepidation always comes from the fact that she never knows what girl he may mention. He’s mentioned a few over the years, Andrea being the most serious one. There have been a few girls since he and Andrea broke up last summer, but none worth worrying about. She chides herself for still caring. She hasn’t seen Michael since they met, but her feelings have only grown. What was once a crush is now so much more. She’s in love with him. Sydney Bristow is in love with Michael Vaughn. And he probably still thinks of her as the gangly kid he met in Palo Alto three years ago. He did say she was beautiful that time when she had written him about being rejected by Ty, but she thinks he was just trying to make her feel better. It worked; by the time she finished the letter she was asking “Ty who?” The fact that he wants her to visit him wherever he’s going is flattering, but it’s all just talk at this point since he doesn’t even know what he’s going to do. And he’s right; her dad would probably never allow it. Not that she would tell him who she was going to see. Sydney gets up and walks over to her desk. She opens her bottom drawer and takes out a decorative box. Inside is every letter that Michael has ever written to her. She slides the most recent one on top and closes the lid. ~~ Michael Vaughn September 30, 1992 Dear Michael, I can’t believe you’re playing hockey in England. I was really surprised when I received your letter. The Slough Jets, huh? That’s funny that seventy-five percent of the team is Canadian. Who’s going to be talking like a Canuck now, “eh”? Anyway, I’m really happy for you, I know this is something you’ve always wanted to do. Your description of Slough is somewhat abysmal. I looked it up on the map to see where it was, and I noticed that Windsor is really close. Why didn’t you decide to live there? I don’t know, maybe you’re required to live in Slough to play on the team. I’ve got some rather big news myself. I almost decided not to tell you, but I don’t want to keep anything from you. I have a boyfriend. If you’ve fainted, go get a drink of water and come back and read the rest in a minute. It’s true, I actually have a boyfriend. His name is Derek and we met in Calculus. He’s really smart, and really nice, and even pretty popular. Oh and yes, he’s cute. We started going out last week. He surprised me by asking me to go to the autumn dance. I didn’t even know that he knew who I was. So we went, and I had a great time. He kissed me during the last song of the night, and now we’re a couple. I’m really happy, Michael. I didn’t know if I should tell you because… I don’t know. We always kind of skirt around this, don’t we? Okay, I’m going to lay it out on the table. I have always had feelings for you, I think you know that. They have only grown stronger over the years. But it’s been over three years since we’ve seen each other, and with you in England, I doubt we’ll be seeing each other any time soon. I think I’ve been holding on to the hope that you would eventually return my feelings, but I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Derek, it’s still really early. But I really like him. Michael, I have to let you go. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be friends anymore, but I do have to distance myself a little so that I can be with Derek without thinking about you. I’m sorry, Michael. I’ll write to you again in a few months when things aren’t quite so new. Love Syd Chapter 15 Michael Vaughn January 28, 1993 Dear Michael, Are you surprised to hear from me? Do you still even want to hear from me? I mean, you were very understanding in your response to my last letter, and I really appreciate that. But I’ve really missed you during the past few months, and now I’m worried that I’ve ruined our friendship. Trying to withdraw myself from you didn’t really work, I’ve only ended up thinking about you more. I wonder about you all the time. I wonder how the hockey season is going, what life is like in England, if you’ve met a lot of cool people, if you have a girlfriend. I’ve been really busy with school, it being senior year. I’ve decided that I’m definitely going to UCLA in the fall. I considered a few other schools, including Stanford, but I’ve always been drawn to UCLA because my mom was a professor there. My dad insists that I live in the dorm, obviously so that I won’t be bothering him at home. He has nothing to worry about, I’d rather go to another school than live at home. I’m still going out with Derek. It’s been more than four months now, which is a long time considering that he’s my first real boyfriend. Things are going well. Michael, I wrote that last paragraph about an hour ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out if I should tell you the truth or not. I have no right to talk to you about Derek after pushing you away because of him. I just feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. Meredith is being an idiot about it. If you totally ignore this section, or this whole letter for that matter, I won’t blame you. Okay, I guess I’d better tell you what I’m talking about. Derek wants me to have sex with him. I like him a lot, and I really want to keep going out with him, but I just don’t know if I’m ready. Every time we’re alone together it’s the same thing. We make out a little, and he tries to… go places he shouldn’t. He tells me that I’m lame for not wanting to, and Meredith agrees with him! She lost her virginity in October and now she thinks that I should too. She’s pressuring me almost as much as Derek is. I’ve always considered myself a strong person, and I would never do something that I don’t feel comfortable doing. It’s just that I like him so much and I find myself wondering what’s wrong with me that I don’t want to sleep with him. I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to do. You’re probably thinking, “just dump the jerk,” but the thing is, he’s normally not a jerk. He’s normally really sweet and sensitive, and a lot of fun to be around. I’m sorry to be unloading this on you. I know I’m showing my age. God, this must sound like it’s straight out of an episode of 90210. Okay, on that note, I’m going to end this letter. I hope you’ll forgive me for pushing you away. I really miss you, Michael. Love Syd ~~ Sydney Bristow May 16, 1993 Dear Syd, I was seething when I got your last letter. I still am, actually. I can’t believe Derek broke up with you because you wouldn’t sleep with him. I know that you saw a good side to him, Syd, but anyone who would do that is seriously not worthy of you. I didn’t think he was worthy of you back in January when you first told me he was pressuring you, and now he’s just proven me right. I’m tempted to fly the eleven and a half hours back to L.A. to kick the little bastard’s ass! Sydney, I really hate that you’re hurting, but I can’t say that I’m sorry you’re not going out with Derek anymore. Besides the fact that he’s not good enough for you, I have a more selfish stake in the matter. I would never have said anything while you were still going out with him, because I would never sabotage your relationship. But Syd, from the moment you wrote me about him, I felt horrible. I knew then what it must have been like for you to hear about Andrea. I wanted to make myself believe that I was just being protective of you when I had homicidal thoughts about Derek, but really I was jealous. In that letter you said that you had been holding out hope that I would eventually return your feelings. It didn’t take me long to realize that I did return your feelings. No, I do return your feelings. I know this is an awful time to be telling you this, you’re trying to get over Derek and you’re trying to focus on getting ready for college. But on the other hand, maybe it will help to know that someone… that I… think you’re wonderful and special and that I want to be with you. Syd, I want you to come to England. I know it will be hard to convince your dad to let you come, but if you can manage it somehow, it will be worth it. And if you can’t, then I’ll come home for the summer. After all these years, we need the chance to be together, to see if that’s where we belong. I don’t know, maybe you’ll get this letter and tell me to go to Hell. Maybe this isn’t what you want anymore. I hope to God it is what you want because Syd, I’ve fallen for you. A piece of me fell for you when we first met and you were a shy fourteen year old, and over the years, piece after piece came together without me even realizing it. And now here we are, four years later, and all the pieces are in place. Please say yes. Love Michael
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