Part 3 - Waves on the Shore
* * * * *
I poured us wine. Red, the same kind that I had shared with him so many
nights before.
And why not? I asked myself. Whatever happened between us tonight would
not be the fault of alcohol. We had already made our choices, as difficult
or impossible as they might have been.
He held out his glass to chime against mine, and the tiny sound rippled
through the room in a way that made me remember what it was like to
be with someone I was so close to. How many nights like this had I
missed?
For the first time I could remember since Hong Kong, we talked. About
everything, or so it seemed at the time.
I told him what it was like to have to start over in a whole new apartment,
how I missed Francie and Will. About how I felt moving into my new
apartment those months ago, and how friendly Weiss had been in the
beginning.
"
I wouldn't have made it without him, I think," I admitted. I didn't
ask him if Vaughn had encouraged Weiss to visit me so often, or ask how
it was that I'd managed to get an apartment in the same neighbourhood
his best friend. I didn’t have to, I think. As I talked, Vaughn
smiled into his glass and took another sip of wine, and that was all
the confirmation I needed.
He told me about what it had been like for him as a teacher. He'd enjoyed
the students, he admitted, but the assignments were always the toughest
part for him. It had been difficult to figure out where the middle
ground was between being too strict and being not strict enough.
I talked about my father, and how much of a lifeline he had been for
me.
Vaughn stiffened a little when I mentioned him, and I paused, my glass
halfway to my lips. I drained the last few red drops before speaking.
"
He's my father, Vaughn," I said. "I don't like everything that
he's done, either, but I think I understand his choices a little more
than I used to." I shrugged. "He's the only one I had left,
through everything."
"
I know," Vaughn answered. "In fact, I think he was starting
to like me a little bit," he admitted.
I smiled a little in surprise at this. "Really?"
"
Yeah. When I was willing to risk my life to get you away from Lindsay,
I think that kind of forced him to reconsider his opinion of me."
My smile dissipated a little. "I never thanked you properly for
that," I said, referring to the mission that he had risked so much
to be a part of.
"
Yes you did," he nodded. "You couldn't have done anything more
than what you did." His glass had been empty for a while, and stood
discarded on the table. He leaned back in his seat. "And I wasn't
in it for the thanks, anyway," he said, smiling. "Of course,
if your father knew I was here right now, I'm sure he'd be changing his
mind about a few things."
A breath exhaled quickly from my lips, as I didn't need to confirm that
statement with anything further. But then I turned towards Vaughn,
leaning a little closer to him. "It doesn't matter. Not about
this. There's more between us than what I need my father's opinion
to verify," I said gently.
My father felt like a ghost in the room right now, and I wished more
than anything that he would leave.
I set down my wine glass, which by now was empty anyway. "I don't
want to go there right now," I said, leaning in towards him again,
even closer than before. My hands came to rest on him, running along
his chest.
"
Where do you want to go?" He asked, almost a whisper. His voice
had grown husky, and for a moment I considered if it was just because
of the wine.
I shook my head. "Nowhere. Just here. With you," I added.
After that it didn't matter to me in the slightest, who kissed who first.
Maybe we came together at the same time, for once. By then it wasn't
as important any more.
* * * * *
Some time later, long after the bottle of wine had stood empty, after
I had had enough time to bury any lingering anxiety, we had kissed our
way towards the bedroom.
For a moment I felt like a blushing teenager, fumbling in the dark while
her parents were out of town. I think I might even have let a laugh
or two escape my lips - low and murmuring in my throat. Vaughn seemed
to like this, and that made me enjoy his touch even more. His hands
were on me, first my waist, then hips, then back to my face, and then
it seemed like my fingers too were everywhere at once.
Both of us were wearing far too many clothes, it was quickly becoming
clear to me. My hands reached underneath his sweater, and travelled
back along his body so that he could raise his arms above him. I broke
away from the kiss as he helped me to finish the job, and the sweater
fell away. My hands returned to his chest, the muscles that I could
still feel beneath the cotton of his T-shirt.
I reached my lips towards his once again, as my hands continued to travel.
I could feel his fingers grasping into the still damp folds of my hair,
and my lips parted to allow him entry. His tongue probed, stroked inside
my mouth as his fingers did my hair, and my body fairly hummed in anticipation.
We parted again, breathless. I needed more, so much more, now that this
was actually happening. Vaughn is here. Now. With me. My lips carried
on along the edge of his jaw, leaving a trail of moist heat down his
chin, his neck, towards the collar of his shirt.
I was dimly aware of his actions, could feel his hands travelling along
my back, grasping at the edges of my sweater. There were buttons along
the front, and his fingers moved along my waist to find them. One by
one, I could feel them falling loose, before his hands slid underneath,
running along low tank top I'd thrown on after my shower before. My
lips returned towards his, and he grasped at my torso, my breasts,
the curve of my back.
"
Vaughn..." I breathed. I was back over two years ago now, in a different
room, but the same man's arms.
"
You're so beautiful"...
My eyes opened, and I paused for a moment as I looked back at him. I
couldn't tell just then if I had been listening, or remembering.
"
What did you say?" I asked.
His hands framed my face once again. "I said, you're beautiful,
Syd."
I smiled. "That's what I thought you said," I answered, half-whispering.
He smiled back at me, only long enough for me to pause, giving him access
once again to my lips. His kiss was pleading, pursuing, just as his
hands were. I felt his hands move quickly underneath the waistline
of my jeans, and I gasped.
Far too many clothes, I thought again, fleetingly. We each began to take
care of that small problem, desire and intensity building with every
touch. Words had left us, replaced by the sound of breathing - warm
and erratic as our movements.
I don't remember moving to the bed, or where either pair of jeans landed
after that. I reached underneath his T-shirt, pulling away the cotton
barrier. It was as if that was all Vaughn had been waiting for, because
once it was gone, his lips returned to mine, plundering, begging me
to do the same. Breathless once again, I could feel my heart beating
fitfully as I took in air. Vaughn's lips moved farther south, down
my neck, trailing a path of wet heat along my collarbone.
The bed was a soft weight underneath my back, something that I was by
now incredibly grateful for. My limbs had become unsteady long ago.
My hands travelled down his back towards the curve of his thigh, and
his fingers went to work under the straps of my top. His boxers still
lingered, and my hands started to travel back up to remedy that small
detail. For the briefest moment I remember thinking how strange it
was, touching the definition of his body, that so much power and strength,
and yet so much sensuality and tenderness could exist in one person.
Vaughn's lips had found their way down to my chest, pulling a little
at the flesh of one breast, until he encountered the black neckline
that concealed anything farther below. A low murmur emerged from deep
within his throat, resonating against my skin. I trembled, sensation
simmering through my entire body.
As his hands travelled back up to my waist, his nose and lips were nuzzling
downwards, reaching the same destination. His fingers grasped at the
hem of the shirt, pushing it up and away, exposing the skin beneath.
Free from obstruction, his lips returned to my navel, tracing the curve
of my abdomen.
And then, his fingers brushed the right side of my body, touched the
traitorous white line of my scar, and my breath left me in a gasp.
I felt chilled, suddenly, torn away far too soon, back to the questions
that plagued me... Questions neither Vaughn or I could answer.
I don't know if Vaughn realized then what he had done. I stiffened underneath
him, my breathing once again shallow. He raised his head towards me,
and my eyes closed against the uncertainty in his expression. I brought
a hand to my face, longing against all the things I wanted to erase.
I turned underneath him, pulling back the fabric in an attempt to do
just that - covering from my body the things I wished I couldn't see
in my mind.
My legs swung out around me to edge of the bed. I leaned forward, letting
my head fall into my hands, concealing my face. I couldn't look back
at Vaughn, not yet.
Perhaps until the last thirty seconds, this evening had been the closest
I had come to happiness in months - years, really. Until now I had
started to believe I was only Sydney, and he was only Vaughn...
Tears sprung to my eyes for what must have been the third or fourth time
that evening, and I felt anger rise inside me. Anger that shook me
along with the embarrassment and confusion that had already settled
there. "Under the circumstances, I think my life's pretty normal..."
Even so I was aware of movement behind me. For a minute I wondered if
Vaughn would take this as a cue - a get-out-of-jail free card, an all-too
bracing reminder that neither of us were supposed to be doing this,
that he shouldn't have come over here in the first place. He could
have left that present with a card and not waited for me in the first
place. I could have said thank you and goodnight and fallen alone next
to the pillows beside me.
He must have been thinking all of these things, I know he must have.
And so it was with both surprise and elation that I felt the touch
of his hand on my back.
Vaughn moved to join me again. He let his breath exhale slowly as he
sat beside me. His lips pressed against my shoulder, a gesture so gentle
and reassuring that I couldn't recoil against it. My throat felt constricted,
and I wasn't sure if I could speak and let only words escape.
"
Syd..." he started, searching for what should follow. He let his
hand slide up towards my shoulder, pulling him closer to me. I let him,
and leaned against him wordlessly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't...maybe
we shouldn't be doing this," he offered. It occurred to me then
that he hadn't known the effect his touch had had, and I felt even more
deeply embarrassed. I was shaking my head already, could feel his eyes
on me, questioning.
"
No," I managed, "That's not it." I let a hand drift back
down to the hem of my top, slid it up ever so slightly to expose the
raised, flawed patch of skin that now seemed to burn against me. By now,
both of us knew what it meant, what I had become because of it. My fingers
released the fabric once again, and his hand pressed against mine.
"Oh, Syd," he breathed, pulling me closer to him. He planted
a kiss on top of my head, then my forehead. "It's alright," he
said, even as he held me tightly.
I took in a deep breath and let it out again. "No, no it's not.
It's too much, Vaughn..." I said finally. "I didn't ask for
any of this, none of it, and I think I've been pretty patient every time
something else happens..." My hand escaped his, brushing at my cheek,
wondering if I could possibly explain this to him.
"
There are times," I said, more gently now, "When I feel like
I never left, like…life is simple, and if I just keep moving I'll
be fine." I shook my head a little. "Like tonight," I
admitted with a bittersweet smile, and touched my fingers gingerly to
Vaughn's cheek. "And then other times, all it takes is a split second,
and I feel like I've stepped outside of myself, and it's like I'm surrounded
by walls..." My breath escaped raggedly. "I want my life back," I
said.
I looked back into Vaughn's eyes, wondering if anything I had said had
made any sense - could possibly explain what I was feeling.
He brushed his fingers along the line of my jaw, along my chin. Looking
back at me with sympathy in his face. He reached again for my hand,
grasped my fingers, and brought them down towards his waist. There
he pressed my hand underneath his, and I felt roughness beneath.
I looked down, moved my hand away slightly. I touched my fingers gently
along his skin, and felt the subtle, star-shaped scar that I myself
had given him not so long ago. My eyes closed for a moment as I swallowed,
understanding a little of what was passing through Vaughn's mind just
then.
He spoke delicately. "I'm not saying it's the same thing, Syd," he
said. I felt his hand return to mine, and hold mine in his. "I don't
know if I can ever understand what you've been through, or what it feels
like for you, every time someone mentions Rambaldi, or the Prophecy..." he
paused for a moment, watching me blink against the names that had become
the root of so much confusion in my life.
"
I'm just saying," he continued, "That my life isn't perfect
either, you know that more than anyone. And, even if I can't understand
everything that you're going through...I might be the only one who can
come close," he said. His voice was quiet, reassuring, but imploring
at the same time. I ached at the sadness that lay beneath that reassurance,
at his willingness to see me through everything. I grieved for how poorly
I had treated him in the beginning.
But it occurred to me then, that he might even be right. I released his
hand, reaching mine back towards the rough skin that had directed his
touch before. My fingers traced the outline of the mark I had made.
"
For a while I thought..." I started tentatively, "I thought
I had killed you," I said, my voice wavering. "I can't tell
you how relieved I was..." I continued, remembering how helpless
he had seemed, fallen and wounded. It occurred to me also, what else
had been unsaid for both of us, for far too long. "But I had to
do it. I had to...I love you too much," I finished painfully.
The expression on his face changed then, showing so much more comprehension
and reflection than I had ever imagined.
He brought his hands to my face, so carefully and purposefully. "Sydney,
I love you," he whispered back. I looked back at him, frozen, replaying
the words we had just spoken to each other. "It's why I let you
do it...it's the only reason I do anything," he finished.
My lips started to curve into a smile. A tentative, disbelieving, unabashed
smile. His lips touched on my forehead once more, and a gasp of happiness
escaped me.
"
I love you, Vaughn," I said, looking back at him again. "That's
all I've wanted to tell you ever since Hong Kong...ever since that night..."
"
I know," he interrupted. "I should have told you long ago," he
said, as if guilty of a deeper injustice. "So long ago," he
added.
His lips captured mine then, as gently and intently as his hands had
held mine. I could feel the chill begin to leave my body. Starting from
somewhere deep within, a sensation unfurled that I had begun to feel
only moments earlier.
We parted again, our breathing becoming more rapid and heated. "Show
me," I said, for the second time that night. He looked back at me,
questioning, and I nodded. "I want you to, Vaughn," I told
him. My hands returned to chest, pressing against the warmth of his body.
I could feel his heartbeat there, just below the surface, as strong and
as measured as my own.
I waited for him to nod, or give me some other kind of spoken answer,
but neither of those came from him. His arms simply wrapped around
me, around my legs and my body, lifting me back.
Minutes earlier, we had begun in this way with such desire and momentum
that I had never expected any other conclusion than what I had known
from him before. Our feelings towards each other now were no different,
and our touch was just as sure and passionate.
When I let him bring his hands to my skin, pulling away the last of my
clothing, I didn't shudder as I had before - nor had I forgotten the
reason for my earlier hesitation. The questions hadn't been erased
by what we had said to each other, either by voice or touch. The anxiety
had not vanished.
Instead they had somehow been changed, not replaced but accompanied by
a warmth that I had not imagined ever before. Even before Santa Barbara...before
the Alliance fell, before SD-6... Nothing could have prepared me for
that night in Vaughn's arms. Touch had been combined with such an intensity
and depth of emotion, a reciprocation that I had not thought possible.
Our breathing had combined together, a bodily response no longer within
our control. My legs wrapped slowly behind his, as one of his hands
splayed at my back and steadied me, even as his other rested firmly
next to me, steadying himself.
His gasps followed mine only by seconds, and in those seconds it seemed
that for a moment I had lost all memory. All thought and emotion were
given over to pure sensation, the passionate release of our bodies
enclosed by each other.
The next thought I could understand, the only thing I could comprehend
in my mind, was that maybe, just maybe, I could manage all of the questions
and everything they brought with them. I could manage them even if
Vaughn wasn't beside me with each one, if it meant I would be given
even this brief moment with this man.
His breath was warm against my shoulder once more. We had both been spent,
exhausted in every way possible. I put my arms around him then, no
other expression left to give him, other than my presence.
* * * * *
It could not have been more than a few hours later when I woke up. Everything
around me was still dark. A faint swath of grey light swept across the
room, reflections through the window from the street lights outside.
My eyes opened gradually, adjusting to the dimness of the room. I felt
cold, and pulled the covers farther around me. Reclining back into
my pillow, I turned, and leaned beside Vaughn's sleeping form. I could
not help the smile that spread across my lips, there, in the near-darkness
of my bedroom.
I breathed in deeply, resting against him.
Even as I told myself I was not back in the same familiar place I had
known with him before, my mind turned to the same familiar gestures.
I remembered Vaughn sleeping like this before, asleep, or perhaps resting,
half-way there, and my fingers running through his hair.
And so, I reached my hand longingly towards him. My fingers touched the
softness of his hairline, moved through the light brown tufts that
followed there. Once, then, my hand brushed his cheek, and felt a slight
dampness.
I sat up further, surprised as I beheld the transparent gleam that graced
his cheek.
My hand came to rest at his side again, and I paused in comprehension.
And then I returned my hand to where it had moved before, at his temple.
I leaned down and placed the lightest kiss on his cheek, tasting the
drying saltiness there.
When I returned my body next to his, I wrapped my arm around him, and
felt, then, his own hand come to rest on top of mine.
* * * * *
~FIN~
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