Title: "Her Secrets, His Lies" Thank you: To superswank for beta-ing what was a far larger amount than either of us anticipated, in a very short period of time; To yahtzee63 organizing the ficathon and thus extracting all the (hopefully) WowWrongBadHot from us hapless writers ;) Author's Notes: (or: Look at Me, I Can't Even Keep Author's Notes Short!) This was written for clannadlvr's "WowWrongBadHot" Jack/Nadia ficathon request, which was for Sydney to find out about Jack and Nadia being together. She gave me the option of having Sydney find out through Sark, but sadly I was unable to accommodate that bit ;-) This is also a bit more fragmented than my usual style, I think, but then again this is also my first real attempt at Jack/Nadia so I suppose all bets are off. The first two pages will be familiar to anyone who reads my drabbles/ficlets, as a ficlet I wrote for Yahtzee about a month earlier. She gave me a J/N ficlet request around the same time as I was pondering my J/N ficathon assignment, and when I began to write my assignment fic it was clear to me that it extended from the same general timeline as what I wrote for that first little ficlet - it only made sense to continue from those 2 pages. I hope Clannadlvr doesn't mind that I pilfered from a bit of previous work ;-) And of course, I join fellow J/N ficathon-ers in my alibi that if Jack ever turns out to be Nadia's canonical father, I of course never wrote any of this. Enjoy! |
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* * * * *
The evening was wearing on, and the restaurant wasn't even half-full.
She'd only just returned from a mission in Barcelona - it hadn't been
very difficult, but it had been long and tiring. At APO she'd kissed
Weiss on the cheek goodbye after reporting in, and gotten right into
a cab. A quiet glass of wine was all she wanted - and a place to just sit and
be with her own thoughts, for once. So here she sat in the far corner
by a window, watching the people that walked by, and smiled briefly at
the waiter when he brought the bottle to her table. The wine was lovely - far too expensive for her, but it was what she
wanted. She slid the glass towards her and watched as the liquid swirled
against the edge of the glass, the colour of pale gold. It made her smile
before she even tasted it, and when she did take her first sip she immediately
forgot the long day behind her. The flavour curled around her tongue
and invited another taste. She put the glass down as she leaned back
in her chair, and began to relax. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, by the time she finally
noticed him. It was possible he'd been there all along, and in her daze
she simply hadn't observed her surroundings carefully enough. That was
sloppy in and of itself, she reminded herself. Nevertheless, as she sipped
from her glass and then set it down again, she turned, and Jack Bristow
was looking back at her. He was at the bar, a near-empty glass in front of him. His expression
was careful, the same mannerism she'd become accustomed to around him.
It made her wonder what could make him falter - or who could. Even with
Sydney he was so collected, after all they'd been through together. Not at all like her own father. Nadia blinked, suddenly, realizing she'd been staring back at Jack for
quite a long moment, now. Neither of them had waved or smiled or given
any gesture at all, and it now occurred to her that the window of opportunity
for such normalities had passed. She turned and looked again at her wine,
contemplating what one said to a man like Jack outside of the office. When she lifted her gaze again it was in time to see him approach her
table. She watched him close the last few steps towards her. "Good evening," he said, nodding briefly. "Hello, Jack," Nadia answered. "It's nice to see you," she
added, after a moment's pause. "I trust things went well in Barcelona?" he asked. "Yes, very well. We passed on the manuscript to Director Chase
just after we returned." "I'm glad to hear it." Nadia wondered if he was being polite, just fishing for conversation.
Now that he was standing with her at her table, he seemed slightly awkward,
out of his element. He'd loosened his collar, and looked as though he'd
had a long day of his own. What did one do next in this scenario?, she
wondered. She could invite him to join her - he would probably decline,
offer parting words, and she'd see him at the morning briefing as usual. "I was just having a quiet drink," she found herself telling
him. "But if you'd like to join me..." She lifted a hand towards
the empty seat opposite her, inviting him to take it. His gaze shifted from her to the vacant chair, and then back again.
Wordlessly, and to her surprise, he sat down to join her. She was caught somewhat by surprise at this. The few times she had engaged
Jack in conversation at APO she had felt as though he had never quite
left the interrogation booth when it came to her. His expression was
always slightly appraising, slightly contemplative, and never entirely
readable. Inexplicably, she found herself wanting him to approve of her,
and yet never felt as though she completely measured up. Still, the events
in Marseilles seemed to have changed things in some way. A month ago
she never would have gotten as far as an off-hours 'hello' from him,
of that she was certain. Just as she was considering what to say next, the waiter came and offered
a second glass, now that Jack had joined her. She nodded for him to do
so, and watched as the young man filled the second glass halfway. "Thank you," she said. The waiter nodded back and left again. Jack reached for his glass. Raising it, he took in the scent before
tasting the wine. His eyebrows lifted briefly as he registered the taste,
and he looked back at the glass as he set it down again. He didn't need
to look at the bottle. "This is a very good choice." "Thank you." He knew what good wine tasted like. She had thought she would feel relief
to hear a compliment from him, but that wasn't what struck her just then.
Instead she found herself wondering about what else he knew, and how
he had come to know it. "You must know something about fine wine." "A little." He paused again, as if choosing his words carefully. "Clearly,
I don't know all of your secrets." This next comment only made her smile - a deceptively calm reaction
to such a provocative statement. "No," she answered, the smile
still on her lips. "No one does." Jack regarded at her for a moment, considering this. Finally a brief
smile began to turn the corners of his mouth, and his expression lightened
again. "Indeed." Nadia observed as he reached for his wine again and began to lift it
for another drink. But here she made him pause, reaching for her own
glass and raised it towards his. He stopped in his actions, before stretching
his arm towards her and letting their glasses chime softly. His gaze
never left hers. Her smile broadened a little more as she watched him drink, looking
at her over the rim of his glass. She leaned forward in her chair and
took another sip for herself, wondering what else it would take to make
this man smile. That first evening was a pleasant surprise. She had never anticipated
that her quiet glass of wine alone would turn into a late dinner with
Jack Bristow. She was also very sure that he hadn't planned it either,
a fact that still gave her pause whenever she thought about it. The second time was just the same as before - she'd returned from a
mission, left her report with APO, and went out afterwards for some time
to herself. And, just as before, she found herself not as alone as she'd
intended to be, but not minding the company in the slightest. He would have known, of course, when she'd returned and when she'd filed
her paperwork - and the time she would have left the office. Still, upon
seeing him there in the restaurant again, she began to move beyond surprise
into the realm of intrigue. Even as the second time invited a third and then a fourth, it hadn't
occurred to her to recognize that these quiet evenings had now become
a habit. Perhaps she simply chose not to see it that way. So far. From the central vantage point of his office, Jack watched as Sydney
and Nadia worked away on preparation for the afternoon briefing. They
would be sent to Cairo that evening, with Vaughn and Weiss accompanying. The four of them had formed into quite a cohesive team, now, so much
so that he had stopped doubting their mutual trust. He knew they worked
well in pairs, but he also knew from experience how difficult it often
was for a team of young agents to work together so fluidly. And, in many
ways, Jack still didn’t trust Vaughn as his daughter’s partner.
He wanted to believe the younger Agent had what it took to protect Sydney
when the time called for it, he even knew Vaughn had done so in the past,
but still... Sydney was his daughter. As Jack watched Sydney with her sister, now, it finally dawned on him
that Nadia might have been the necessary addition to their team all along.
She was so steady in her actions, while at the same time seemed to be
able to predict what the other Agents would need as situations arose.
She had a streak of independence that resisted direction, but yet he
had the feeling in moments of difficulty she would do whatever it took
to complete her assignment and keep her team intact. She was strong,
and very intuitive. It had been just about a year since she came to APO, and still he had
a hard time finding her flaws. It had also been a long time since he’d
encountered anyone like her. Sitting next to Jack in the corner of the restaurant that had by now
become so familiar to the two of them, Nadia smiled back at him as he
talked. It occurred to her how his gestures and expressions with her
had become so much more expressive, now, even through his trademark reserve
and guardedness. She wondered, not for the first time, what a person
had to do to break through that. Tonight he was telling her about Marshall, and the new specs he'd come
up with that afternoon for a wireless transmitter shaped to fit into
a diamond ring. He got to the part about asking Marshall just exactly
what his intentions were with such a ring, and as he spoke she could
hear him starting to affect Marshall's tone of voice and even some of
his mannerisms. Nadia couldn't help but laugh as she listened to Jack
talk. His anecdotes with her were still rare and she found herself reveling
in them now. A broad smile broke across her face, preceding her laugh by seconds.
It felt good to laugh again, she felt as though she hadn't done that
in days and days. And when she opened her eyes again and looked up she
saw Jack looking back at her, an expression of open admiration on his
face. It made her pause, his expression, and her smile began to fade a little
into confused wonder. "No," he said, reaching for her. His fingers brushed under
her chin, lifting her face towards the candlelight. "I didn't mean
to stop you. It's just...that smile," he said, his voice lightening
as he continued to speak. "I've never seen anything quite like it." From the way he was looking at her, she realized that she had somehow
managed to disarm him, even just for a moment. It was in the way he spoke
to her, too, in the way his eyes softened and his shoulders relaxed as
he listened to her. She had seen a glimmer of Jack Bristow and she hadn't
realized it until the moment began to fade. Later she would realize it
was when he truly began to captivate her. It was the first time she could remember that he had touched her. Sydney was up early the next morning, and had already been for her run
and a shower by the time Nadia was up. She watched as her sister emerged
from her room, tossing her robe around her shoulders. "Hey, sleepyhead," she teased, as Nadia joined her in the
kitchen for coffee. "You were up late last night." Nadia shook her head, and Sydney thought for a moment she saw her cheeks
flush pink. She took another sip from her mug as Nadia poured her own
cup of coffee. "No, not too late. I just felt like a drink after getting back." "With Eric?" Nadia looked up for a moment, as if startled by the question. But she
shook her head again easily, and sat down comfortably with her coffee. "No,
I just went by myself. Letting my thoughts settle." Sydney smiled a little, looking back at her sister. Nadia was preoccupied
with something, that much she could tell, but Syd wasn’t sure how
much she should pry. Certainly, she'd done so in the past, but by now
she’d decided it was best to play it by ear. The two of them shared the same mother, but Sydney was still getting
to know Nadia; even after a year there were things she knew very little
about her. There were times when they would return from a mission and
Nadia would retreat into her office, working furiously by herself, trying
right away to plan APO's next actions. There were other times like last
night when she would go out for some time alone, and return as if her
world had suddenly brightened. Sydney had stopped trying to rationalize
with Nadia, though – she seemed to defy it. "And?" Sydney asked, teasingly again, although still interested. "And, what?" "Did your thoughts settle?" Nadia considered this for a moment, and shook her head once more as
she raised her mug towards her lips. "No, not exactly. But it was
relaxing all the same." Sydney watched as her sister smiled a little more to herself over her
coffee, and willed away her curiosity. There was probably nothing more
to pry about, and Nadia's thoughts were her own, anyway. She'd let her
know eventually if it was anything she needed to talk to Sydney about. The night came when Nadia sat on the privately commissioned jet with
Vaughn in the row across from her and Dixon next to her, and looked forward
only to meeting Jack again. They were returning from a fairly trying mission near Hamburg, one that
had tested her abilities as an undercover agent in ways she hadn't experienced
since she'd first been recruited by Roberto. She felt weary, and the
adrenaline rush from fighting and springing into action for so long had
dissipated. It hadn't taken her the whole flight to disassemble her gear
and pack away the team’s weapons, and now she sat looking absentmindedly
out the window. Every so often she would glance at her watch, calculating
what time it would be when they returned to L.A. "Can't wait to get back?" Nadia turned, blinking, looking back at Dixon's honest face. The question
took her a little off guard, but she responded calmly. "Yes, I suppose
I am excited to land," she answered, her speech just as measured
as always. "It's been a long day, and I'll be glad to get home." Dixon smiled, nodding, and leaned back in his chair. "I hear you." He
shifted towards her and added, conspiratorially, "And... I'm not
really supposed to say anything, but I know Agent Weiss is looking forward
to tonight. Has been for at least a week." He winked at her, and
turned to find the book he'd stashed in his carryall. Weiss. Eric. She nodded back and allowed a nervous smile, glancing back
to the window. Dixon looked down his novel and resumed reading. The truth was, she hadn't been thinking about Agent Weiss at all. Their plane touched down and for the first time in a long time Nadia
felt a knot of nervous tension forming in the pit of her stomach. For
the past hour her mind had raced, trying to figure out what Eric might
have planned. Her birthday had already passed months ago, and his wasn't
for a little while. I think. Was there an occasion she was forgetting? The nervous sensation of wondering what Dixon had meant had briefly
overshadowed her anticipation of seeing Jack again after she returned.
It was the first time she could think of when her sense of expectation
over their rendezvous had carried her through even her mission and much
of the flight back. As she gathered her belongings and made for the exit
she started to plan the words she would say to Jack, try to be as casual
as possible when she walked passed him on the way to the printing station
or the parking garage. But she didn't get that far. Nadia stepped out onto the tarmac, and
there was already someone lifting the bags out of her hands. She turned
to find Eric waiting for her, a bouquet of flowers in his hands and a
waiting pair of sedans behind him. Dixon and Vaughn took the gear and
loaded it into the trunk of one of the cars, and Vaughn winked back at
Weiss quickly before driving off. Nadia took the flowers in surprise, smiling nervously back at Weiss. "Happy anniversary," he told her, as her breath caught in
her throat. "One year, remember? You came to APO one year ago today." His
expression was so eager, so open. All she could do was smile bashfully
and dip her gaze to the ground as he put his arm around her. Of course, she thought as her eyes closed to the returning memory. "You
remembered that." Leaning into his embrace, she rested her head
against his shoulder and felt foolish. "I can't believe you remembered,
Eric..." "Well, it's my job as your main man, to know these things." "I didn't even remember, how strange is that?" He pressed his lips to her forehead, pulling her closer to him. "It's
not so strange. I was just looking forward to giving you a night out.
You've been so busy lately, every week you've been off somewhere different." "You're right," she answered. "Things have been a little
crazy the last few weeks." She genuinely thought about that response
for a moment, and then looked back at Weiss, who had gone quiet. She
smiled at him suddenly, wrapped both arms around him. "Thank you
for remembering," she said. "I can't wait to see what you've
got planned." "And you won't regret it, I promise you that." He was encouraged
again. He held her in his embrace and kissed her, gently only at first, then
deeper, knowingly. Nadia's sense of foolishness struck her more acutely
then, along with guilt that she could have forgotten about Weiss's generosity
and kindness so easily. Her thoughts clouded until they encircled only
the man in front of her, and didn't look back. The next week Nadia was on desk duty, as an unusual lull had descended
over APO, meaning that only a handful of Ops Agents were being commissioned
at any one time. The more senior Agents were given priority during such
periods, which meant that right now Nadia was one of the few core team
members who had not been tasked to a mission. Even her own father was
away, having been asked to Washington to report on the facility's progress.
Things were quiet. Still, by now she had come to the end of her current desk assignment
- a background report on Argentinean intelligence which had taken her
far less time to prepare than the two full days she had been given -
and found herself steadying herself to meet Jack in his office. With
a calming, deep breath, she gathered her materials. As she approached his door she could see he was distracted. Although
several documents lay in front of him on his desk, his gaze was elsewhere,
looking out through the windows of his office. She knocked, and walked
in as he gestured for her. "I've finished the report you asked for," she said as she
closed the door. "I have a hard copy for you and have uploaded the
final draft to the main server." "Thank you," he answered with a nod. He stood and reached
for the file she held out to him, but did not open it yet. "This
will be very valuable to us." "I hope so. Let me know if there is anything else you need." She
smiled briefly, calmly. "I will." He looked down at the black report cover in his
hands, before placing it on his desk and turning back to her. "I
am expecting we will need to send out another team, soon," he added,
as if in afterthought. "Certainly the past few days haven't been
as interesting for you here at work." She glanced down for a moment, a little pleased by this comment. And
yet, she couldn't decide whether he was apologizing for having little
for her to do, or if he was anxious to lessen their proximity to each
other. She didn't let herself debate it. "I don't mind," she said with a half-shrug. "Things will
pick up speed again, they always do." "Yes. You're right about that." Jack took his seat again. Several seconds of silence passed between them, and Nadia stubbornly
paused a little longer before taking her cue to leave. She knew it was foolish to expect anything else right now, here, especially
given the man she was standing in front of. Still, she also knew that
their evenings together had allowed some kind of connection to form between
them - she had grown accustomed to her time with him, enough that she
took pleasure in it. She hadn't been there after her mission last week
when she knew he would have expected her to be. Eric's plans had disrupted
anything else, and as much as she would never have refused them, she
was aware that Jack would feel her absence. And, truthfully, she had
missed his presence. Finally she turned to leave, but was halted by Jack's interruption. "I didn't see you last week," he said, simply. Caution had
returned to him, and likewise to his words. For some reason she resisted the urge to nod back, or give a reassuring
smile in return. His office was sound-proof, but not invisible. Now -
between the bright white walls and gleaming windows of APO - whatever
subtleties had been advanced between the two of them over how many glasses
of wine...All of it seemed so trivial now, and to speak of it aloud sounded
only awkward and improper. She found it all the more difficult to try
to bring the comfort level of their private conversations into focus
in this place, this office that seemed to defy the personal attachments
that held so many people to it. She blinked, as if against the harshness of that reality. "Yes,
I know," she answered. "I am sorry, I had a change of plans
at the last minute." Involving my boyfriend. "I didn't mean-" "It's fine," he interrupted. "There's no need to explain.
There was no obligation, no invitation to decline or accept." "I know," she answered honestly. "But...I would like
it if there was an invitation. I would like that very much." She
made sure to meet his eyes as she spoke, desiring no room for doubt. Finally, Jack nodded back again. "I would like that, too," he
said. Slowly, a smile managed to break across her expression, as she looked
back at Jack Bristow and knew that he was telling her the truth. It was only a few hours later when Nadia stood in front of Jack's apartment
door, uninvited and indifferent to any sense of professional protocol. That evening she'd returned to her apartment alone, again, and made
it as far as brewing a pot of tea in the kitchen. Thoughts kept turning
over in her mind from her conversation with Jack that day. He'd been
abrupt, as she had expected. The entire last week had been no different
- business as usual, or at least the appearance of it. And in truth,
there was nothing to hold her to any other kind of behaviour - she and
Jack had never made any promises to each other. It was for that very
reason that she waited now outside of his door, at an hour too late to
be considered professional. She heard quiet footsteps from within the apartment, just before the
door opened in front of her. The expression on his face told her he hadn't
been expecting her. "Hello, Jack," she said simply. "Nadia. This is a surprise," he answered, although she wondered
if he was saying that just out of habit. Perhaps he greeted all his visitors
with this way, in the event that anyone watching from outside was paying
attention. "May I come in?" "Of course." He stepped aside as she entered the apartment, before closing the door
behind her. He'd discarded his tie and she could hear faint music playing
from the stereo in the living room. Warm, low light shone from lamps,
and the apartment was high enough above street level that through the
windows she could see faint glimmers from the city below. It was a simple and open apartment, displaying dark wood floors and
elegant furniture. It betrayed the sense of style that must have formed
another part of Jack Bristow's knowledge. To be inside gave Nadia another
glimpse into his life and mind, and somehow an immediate sense of safety. "Is there something I can do for you?" Nadia turned back to face Jack. "Not exactly," she answered. "I
wanted to see you, to talk to you some more." She tried to offer
a reassuring smile, but was rewarded only with a brief nod as Jack's
gaze drifted elsewhere. "I was about to have a glass of wine, myself," he offered. "Please,
come sit with me." He gestured into the apartment, inviting her
in further. Looking around, she saw that a few files had been left behind on the
dark mahogany table, and an empty glass stood next to the recently opened
bottle of red wine. "Thank you," Nadia said, and let her handbag slip to the floor
as she approached the table. She took a seat, and a moment later he joined
her, a second glass in his hand. He set down the glass next to the first
and poured the wine in silence, before gathering up the papers and leaving
them to the side. Gratefully, she accepted the wine he held out to her, and took a sip
as he sat down next to her. For a moment, she contemplated the glass
in her hand and its contents, before speaking. Jack showed no signs of
prodding her into conversation, for which she was grateful, and so she
was calm again when she returned to the current of their brief conversation
earlier that day. He took a drink from his own glass, and watched her
as she spoke. "I didn't want to wait for an invitation, Jack," she said
first. "I thought about it, but the truth is, I've missed talking
to you, spending time with you. I know only a couple of weeks have passed
since...since we met last, but..." she paused for a moment, realizing
how awkward and strange her words must sound. "Those evenings were
something I had started to look forward to. I wanted to make sure you
knew that." Jack's gaze faltered for a moment. "You made that clear this afternoon." "Did I?" "Yes." "Good. Because I do want it to be clear, Jack." She reached
forward and set her own glass down on the table, next to his. "I
didn't tell you everything I wanted to." "Stop," he said abruptly, his words close behind hers. "Let's
be reasonable now. There is little else we could say to one another,
or do together. You know that as well as I do." She was taken aback by this statement, words that from him amounted
to a calm declaration of defeat. "Don't say that," she answered. "Nadia, I won't tell you that I haven't enjoyed your company. I
have enjoyed it very much, in fact," he added, his tone softening. "But
the fact also remains that I am your professional superior, and you...you
are younger than my own daughter," he finished quietly. His tone
betrayed a quality far too close to shame for her not to feel a little
stung by his comments, but she wouldn't give up on him. "I'm nearly thirty years old, Jack. I'm not a child." The
words left her mouth as calm truth, no hint now of stubbornness or defensive
posturing. Silence followed her statement, lingering between them like an unopened
invitation. She could have said so much more, she knew, but this was
enough. Any more would mean she was allowing herself to accept his defeated
retreat, and she wouldn't give in to that. She wouldn't even let him
finish the offer. Nadia didn't add that there were nights when she looked back at herself
in the mirror and felt so much older and more weary than the number of
her years; She wouldn't tell him that there were other times when living
with his daughter - her sister - was only a reminder of her isolation,
of her very difference that had brought her here in the first place. "No," Jack said then, interrupting her thoughts and putting
away his excuses. "You are far from being a child." She felt his hand slip underneath hers then, and open to capture her
fingers with his. Her own fingers curved gently around his open palm,
and she felt warmth begin to move through her. His free hand lifted slowly, then, brushing away a stray lock from her
forehead and releasing her face to the glow of the dim light. Her eyes
lingered, watched his expression as his hand moved, as she let his fingers
drift graciously along her cheek and under her chin. By now her breathing
had relaxed, and her calm smile had returned in peaceful silence. "I've missed seeing your smile," he said gently. At his words she flushed again and only smiled further. "I've missed
you, Jack," she said again. In that moment she stopped trying to think everything through and wonder
what was the right thing. Jack’s hands began to drift away from
her and she simply reacted. Leaning towards him, she brought her lips
swiftly to his in a gentle kiss. He stilled for a moment, even as her hands reached for him. But then
he responded, too, pressing his lips back against hers and deepening
the kiss as she opened her mouth to his. They parted, each slightly breathless,
lips still lingering inches away from the other’s. She reached
up again to touch his face as her eyes searched his expression, and she
felt as though it would be impossible not to reach for him. Nadia looked back at him and at first felt only tenderness, but was
then stalled instantly by the expression of surprise on his face. In
their kiss there had been nothing but warmth and desire, but now a vague
sense of fear clouded over her as she questioned whether she had moved
too quickly. Her hands fell away from him and she stood, her gaze shifting suddenly
as she reached for her bag. Wordlessly, she began to walk towards the
door, as if she could simply erase that moment and start again without
intrusion. “Nadia, wait,” Jack said, stopping her. Behind her, she
could hear him standing and moving towards her. “Where are you
going?” She turned to him, open wonder in her expression. “I saw the look
on your face, and I thought...I thought I had gone too far.” Jack’s gaze softened further as he moved closer to her. “No,” he
shook his head. “You didn’t.” Nadia felt her lips start to curve gently, embarrassment coming over
her. “The truth is,” Jack added, “I’ve been wanting
to do that for some time now.” He was just a step away from her
now, and she could feel the heat of his breath against her neck. “Is that all?” she asked, surprised at her own question. He shook his head again. “No, it isn't.” Her handbag fell to the floor, and she felt something inside herself
begin to weaken. “Then show me,” she told him, seconds before
she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips to his. Somehow, he had thought that when they finally came together, he would
be able to take things slowly with her. He had spent so many nights watching
Nadia, sitting across from her and so rarely allowing himself to touch
her...She had seemed to him so delicate even underneath her strength,
and he knew that he was falling for her too quickly to be able to stop
himself. By now he had become so enamored of her presence that her beauty nearly
took his breath away when she smiled. He couldn't explain what it was
like to be next to her, how he had begun to want nothing more than to
treat her with the gentility she deserved. She came to him that night
with such openness in her voice, and eagerness in her touch; When she
kissed him his surprise was only at how swiftly she acted. She'd stood to leave, just as he moved towards her to her to convince
her to stay, thinking she would have needed convincing; She had thrown
her arms around his neck and kissed him a second time, in a way that
made him forget it was only the second time. His arms wrapped around
her body and he pressed his hands to her waist, holding her to him and
never wanting to let go. Soon he found his hands traveling underneath her clothes, nearly oblivious
to his own actions as he felt her lips leave his and move along his skin.
She was kissing his jaw, his neck, pushing away his collar and reaching
for his buttons, erasing any doubt in his mind about why now or how fast...And
then suddenly he was lifting her, carrying her to his bed. They moved
wordlessly against each other, clothing discarded as patiently as each
would allow. He couldn't let go, couldn't stop kissing her if he tried. He hadn't believed it at first, that someone could find something in
him again worth desiring so much; She made his need for her so intense
and so immediate he began to wonder if it wasn't just the wine making
his thoughts run away from him. He had thought he would be able to move slowly with her...He had thought
he would be the one to make love to her. Never had he envisioned it would
happen like this; She was meeting his every action with her own touch
and intensity, alternating furiously between control and surrender until
all he could do was give himself over to her completely. She left him behind with such reluctance, that night. There was so much
more she knew she would want to say to him, so much more time to be spent
together. It would all have to wait. Some time afterwards she'd glanced over at his clock and seen the numbers
flashing an hour of night far too deep for her to be away in this man's
apartment, and quietly began to gather her things. He was beside her
once more as she finished dressing, slipping her sweater over her head
and finding her hands suddenly reaching for him again. She kissed him
easily, closing her eyes and wanting to remember only the sensation of
being with him, breathing in his scent and feeling the warmth of his
body. Strangely, she couldn't think of anything else to say to him in that
moment. She could only look back at him in the dim light, trying to read
what emotion lay behind his dark eyes. What next? she wondered. What
was a person supposed to say or do next, like this? Nadia didn't know,
had nothing else to compare this to; She wanted to hope that Jack didn't,
either. She couldn't stay, they both knew that. Whatever happened the next day
at the office would be difficult, but they would both manage it - they
both knew that, too. She brought both her hands to his cheeks, softly
framing his face before pressing her lips gently to his, one last time.
When she started to walk away from him she felt his hand catching hers
again, and she paused, without looking back, until he let go again. Nadia returned to her empty apartment and stepped back into her reality,
remembering again that Sydney - and Eric - would return from Johannesburg
in the morning. For now she was alone again, and finding herself suddenly
uneasy. In the bathroom, Nadia stood in front of the mirror and contemplated
her reflection for a long moment. She wondered absentmindedly if she
looked any different. As for whether she felt any different...Her feelings
had become so scattered now she wasn't going to try to explain them.
But the idea that she would have to face Sydney again in a matter of
hours...She felt instantly like a child, after so clearly trying to show
Jack she was anything but that. Running her fingers through her hair, she wondered to herself if this
was all just fantasy. She couldn't seriously be contemplating anything
more than a brief affair. Affair. Even thinking the word made her feel
cold, almost numb, and yet the sensation of what she felt for Jack, of
being with him...It was all still so new for her. When she returned to her own bed she lay there for a long while, her
eyes open and her thoughts drifting. Sleep took her unwillingly. "Hey, Syd, have you got the updated report on Johannesburg?" Weiss
approached Sydney's desk eagerly. She looked up from her work station, fingers pausing over her keyboard. "I
was just finishing it now. Do you need a hard copy?" "Yeah, Sloane wants the analysis results on the artifact, apparently
the first round of tests didn't give him what he wanted." "But it's already been three days since we brought it back, Marshall's
already done the analysis, what else is there to find out?" "Search me. Anyway, I'll deal with this one. Don't worry about
it." She smiled at him, and stood to walk the few paces to the printer. "Thanks.
Less running around for me to do. Vaughn and I were hoping to get away
this weekend." "Oh yeah?" Weiss looked up interestedly, leaning against her
desk. He slid his hands into his pockets. "Where?" Sydney shrugged. Vaughn hadn't made any firm plans yet - as far as she
knew, at least - but she'd been thinking wistfully about hiking, maybe
driving North and finding a nice cabin to hide out in for a couple of
days. "We're not sure yet," she told Weiss. "Just some
place relaxing, that's all." "Sounds great," he said. She brought the pages over to her desk, giving Weiss a cautious glance.
His tone of voice didn't have the same cheerful inflection she'd gotten
used to around him. She assembled the pages in a briefing folder and
handed it all over, leaning against the desk next to him. "Yeah, it will be," she answered. She nudged him gently. "Hey,
everything okay?" "Sure, why not?" "I don't know, you just seem a little 'off'," she said, thinking
of something to lift his mood a bit. "You know, the apartment will
be empty this weekend while Vaughn and I are away," Sydney added, "I'm
sure you and Nadia could make some plans of your own..." Weiss sighed, sitting up a little straighter. "Yeah, I know, I
was thinking about that. It's just...I'm not so sure about Nadia lately." Sydney blinked, surprised at this. The idea that Nadia and Eric might
be having trouble was completely new to her. "What do you mean?
Did you have an argument?" "That's just it, we haven't said much of anything to each other
lately. I think the most time I've spent with her in the last month is
when we were all getting ready for Cairo. When we're not assigned together
she's always working on something else, and when she's not working I
can't seem to get a hold of her for more than an hour or two." Sydney frowned, thinking back through the recent days and weeks. "That
doesn't seem like her," she thought out loud. She tried to think of something Nadia had said or done that might explain
her distance from him, but she couldn't. Her conversations at home with
Sydney had seemed friendly, normal - but then Sydney herself hadn't been
around as much lately either, she was reluctant to admit. She was a senior
Agent now and had some priority in field assignments. Nadia had had a
lot of desk work lately, perhaps that was what was keeping her preoccupied. Besides, now that she and Vaughn had fallen into a comfortable routine
Sydney was finding herself spending time at his place more and more often.
It had become so common that Vaughn had started to make jokes about getting
their own place together. Even if it had been just a joke, Sydney found
herself not minding the idea in the slightest. "Has she said anything to you? You know, about me?" Weiss
looked back at Sydney cautiously, as if reluctant to hear the answer. Sydney shook her head. "No, nothing. I had no idea anything was
wrong." "I know," he answered. A defeated sigh escaped him in a long
breath. "That's just it - Neither did I." Nadia hadn't thought it could hurt so much, to end a relationship with
a person like Eric. While she didn't know what would come of her and
Jack Bristow, she knew it wasn't fair to betray Eric like that and pretend
that it was fair to any of them. She'd debated this for weeks, now, before
coming to the only answer she had. She couldn't tell him the whole truth
behind her actions, either, which was perhaps what made it so hard to
say anything at all to him. Goodbye was never simply goodbye. As usual, he'd had more than enough words for both of them, talking
easily around the uncomfortable silences and filling in her gaps. She'd
touched his hand and told him how she still cared for him, what a wonderful
man he was. When he walked away from her an ache began to settle in her
chest that was nothing like anything she'd felt before. It wasn't until she made it home again that she realized she'd been
crying. It was a grey and chilly Saturday, and the sun had only just begun to
rise. They'd hardly slept at all, and she hadn't minded in the slightest.
She sat near the windows, reclined in the comfortable and lost once again
in her thoughts. Jack made her coffee, now, in the rare mornings when she could stay
long enough for him to do so. The first time, he'd brought it to her
with warm milk and cinnamon, the way she liked it. She had looked at
him looking at her as she sipped from it, and watched as the corners
of his mouth curve into a satisfied smile. There were so many things
she had never needed to tell him, or ask him. He made small actions into
grand gestures, and never explained himself. He brought her coffee this morning, taking her out of her thoughts as
he sat down with her to watch the grey dawn. She'd told Jack days ago
about ending things with Eric, but now she was thinking about it again,
and then about all the many other things she'd experienced in that first
year, and before that. Nadia took a grateful, warming sip. "I know I should be able to
move past this," she said, contemplating the mug in her hand." "It was harder than you thought it would be," Jack said again,
this time, so often unsure how to console her. "Yes," Nadia said. "But many other things have been,
also," she added. She reached forward and set down her empty mug,
next to his on the table. As she leaned back into the sofa his arm was
there, and she turned and came to rest against him. He seemed to consider this comment from her, looking out of the window
in silence for a moment. "I forget how many challenges you've encountered," he
told her. "Even before you came here." She nodded, wondering at the suddenly apologetic tone in his voice. "I
know," she answered just as gently. "But it's my life. Everyone
has challenges," she reasoned, even as she began to recount the
extreme uniqueness of her own. She'd never asked to be brought into Rambaldi's
world, or to have grown up never knowing her parents. She'd never thought
a life of espionage would be something she could fit into, and yet here
she was. "You carry so much with you," he said then. "I don't
know how manage it, but you do." She'd heard his voice take on that quality only once or twice before,
and it never failed to root her where she sat. She sat up a little then,
turning to face him again, and watched as his hands drifted back towards
hers. He took her left hand between his, holding it as if trying to steady
her - as if she was the one who needed to be steadied. The grey light that surrounded them suddenly seemed too bright, even
in the dimness of his apartment. She looked at him now and knew where
both their thoughts were drifting, and quailed inside at the reality
that had finally chosen this moment to settle between them. Even now
after all of their nights together, never had they spoken about the kind
of history that stood between them; In these early, dividing hours of
the day, truth seemed to be the only option. "Why do you say this, Jack?" she asked him finally, after
a silence had passed between them. "How is it that you can know
this about me?" For a moment his brow furrowed as he considered her question, as if
wondering to himself what she meant. Then he looked away, quickly, avoiding
turning to her with an expression that was more painful than he could
willingly show her. She was calm, patient. Around them, the shadows seemed
to fade a little more. "It's just...I think you really do know how I manage it," she
added gently. He stiffened slightly at these words, and opened his mouth as if to
speak, only to close it again. She could tell he was wrestling with his
thoughts, wondering where he could possibly begin. "It's all right, Jack," she said. "Tell me." His gaze fell for a moment, as he spoke. "I know," he began
in answer, finally acquiescing. "I know because I do it, too. It
all stays with me, every day." It was such an admission, for anyone, but for him it was nearly a confession.
What she couldn't ask, not then, was how much strength it took for him
to tell her even this much - to the person whose very daily presence
must remind him of exactly what it was he had to carry with him. Looking down at their hands pressed together, she closed her eyes slowly
and opened them again, and then lifted her face to his in acceptance.
She saw how he held on to her hand so tightly. Her right hand was still free, resting between them on the sofa. She
raised it then, lifted it to his cheek just as he had touched her. Her
fingers curved around his shadowed cheek, and brushed softly again along
the smooth lines of his forehead. He turned towards her now, his eyes
closing as in a last admission of defeat. But not defeat, Jack. She skimmed
her fingers again along the side of his face, offering a forgiving touch
in response to his words and watching breathlessly as he began to weaken
underneath it. He swallowed, his breathing becoming shallower now. When he opened his
eyes again it was as though something had lifted away from him, and she
saw the gleam that began to gather beneath his eyelids. Nadia brought
both her hands to his face then, and pressed her lips to his forehead.
He closed his arms around her, clutching at her shoulders as she wrapped
her own arms around him. Sydney let her hand slip around Vaughn's arm, as she leaned against
him while they walked. He smiled down at her, squeezing her right hand
with his left. They were on their way to dinner, and she'd insisted they
leave the on a side street and walk the few blocks down Sunset. The sunshine had been glorious that day, finally. A few weeks of what
seemed like endless cloudy weather had fallen in a lull before spring
finally came in full bloom. In the hours of late sunlight that still
remained, she took each stride confidently and slowly, and felt so relaxed
at Vaughn's side. "So?" he asked, smiling at her again. He'd had a mischievous
glint in his eye all day. "So, what?" she teased back. She knew exactly what he was
asking her about. "So, what did you think of the place today?" She brought both of her hands together, resting them at Vaughn's arm
as she answered. "I liked it," she said easily. Vaughn looked at her as though he didn't believe her. "Really?
You did?" "Of course I did," she said. "Because when I showed you the first apartment a couple of weeks
ago, it seemed like you weren't interested in the idea at all," he
admitted. Sydney looked back at him sympathetically. "No, Vaughn, that's
not it. Really. I was just a little hesitant at first, that's all." "And it didn't help that the first place had shag carpeting." "No, it didn't," she laughed. "But...I liked the little
house we saw today," she told him gently. She let one hand slip
down, clasping his hand as his fingers wrapped back around hers. "There
was even a garden out back," she remembered. "I thought you might like that," he said. They walked companionably
a bit longer, before he asked again. "So, what do you think, should
I make the call?" She turned to look at him again, her smile growing broader the more
she thought about it. "Yeah," she said gently. "Let's
do it." He smiled back at her, and leaned in to kiss her on the lips. "I'll
do it first thing in the morning," he told her as they parted, and
she let go of his hands to put her arms around him where they stood. "Thank you, Vaughn," she said over his shoulder. "Thank you?" "Yes," she said, letting go of him again. "For arranging
all of this. I know I was a little uncertain at first, but underneath
I think I wanted it all along." "I think I did too," he said, and kissed her once more. "For
a while, now. But I didn't want to rush you into anything." She shook her head. "I don't think we're rushing." "Neither do I." He took her hand again as they continued walking, and soon they had
made it to the restaurant. The maitre 'd told them they would need to
wait for a few minutes, and Sydney said she'd like to wait outside. "It's so nice out right now," she said, propping her sunglasses
up on top of her head. "Syd, I'm going to go check my jacket. I'll just be a moment," Vaughn
told her, kissing her on the cheek. "Sure, I'll wait here," she answered, and folded her arms
as she let her gaze wander out across the patio and then to the few restaurants
across the street. Sydney watched with a smile as some of the patrons began to leave after
their meals. A young couple held hands as they left the bistro across
from her, and a pair of elderly women followed a little later, chatting
in amiable conversation. She pulled her sunglasses away from where they rested, and was about
to turn away to slip them into her bag when something else made her pause
- Or, rather, someone else. She watched as two more customers left the
restaurant across the street, and even across a few lanes of traffic
and through the dusky light, she could recognize her father. More importantly,
she recognized the woman he was with - it was Nadia. Neither of them saw Sydney. For a moment she considered that they had
simply met casually, or were reviewing some work over dinner. She'd done
it herself, with Vaughn, with Dixon, and with her own father as well.
But as she watched the pair of them together, she saw her father raise
his arm to hail a cab; a moment later she noticed as Nadia slipped her
hand around Jack's arm, and then take his hand in hers. It wasn't unlike
the way she had behaved with Vaughn only minutes ago. The taxi pulled up in front of the restaurant, just as Jack bent to
tell Nadia something in her ear. Sydney looked on, stunned, as her sister
laughed there in her father's arms, and they both stepped into the cab
and drove away. When Nadia returned home that same evening, she was surprised to find
Sydney awake and waiting up for her in the living room. It was after
midnight, and she had expected her sister would have followed her dinner
with Vaughn with other plans. She closed the front door behind her, tossing
her keys on the counter as she walked into the apartment. "It's late," she said amiably. "I'm surprised you're
still up." Sydney set down the book that had been in her lap, and turned to look
at her, her expression hard. Nadia was immediately startled, convinced
that something sudden must have happened. "Sydney, what's wrong?" she asked, stepping into the living
room to face her. "Has something happened...?" "You tell me," Sydney answered abruptly. Nadia was unsure how to respond to this. "What are you talking
about? Sydney, tell me what's going on..." "I saw you," her sister interrupted, standing to face Nadia. "I
saw you, tonight, outside the restaurant, on Sunset." She felt a cold sensation start in the pit of her stomach. No. "I saw you," Sydney emphasized again, "With my father." "Oh, Sydney..." was all she could say just then. She turned,
running a hand through her hair and wondering what she would possibly
say next. At the same time, she knew this conversation would be inevitable,
she had known it all along. The only surprise was how long she had lasted
before coming to it. "Nadia, tell me what's going on," Sydney implored behind her. "Tell
me what I saw..." "I think you know what you saw, Sydney," Nadia answered, turning
to face her sister again. "You know what you saw. I don't know what
else I can tell you." She looked back at her in horrified shock. If she'd been sitting her
all evening waiting for Nadia to return, wondering what was going on,
she must have known this conclusion was a possibility. But to hear it
spoken was clearly something entirely different. "Were you with
him all evening?" Nadia swallowed hard, knowing there was nothing now she could do to
avoid this. "Yes," she answered simply. "And I'm...I'm assuming this wasn't the first time," Sydney
asked her next, hesitating over her words. "No," Nadia responded just as evenly, shaking her head. "It
wasn't." Sydney turned away from her now, absorbing the weight of this admission,
and brought her hands to her face for a moment. As she walked away she
reached out to lean against the edge of the kitchen counter, her shoulders
bent. Nadia watched her come to terms with this, and waited for more. "Nadia," Sydney started to say as she shook her head again,
her voice suddenly trembling as well. She was trying so hard, Nadia could
tell. She was fighting confusion and the battle was waging in every word
she spoke. "Nadia...you're my sister," she managed. "You're
my sister, and he's my father. I just don't understand, I..." she
was grappling now, searching for an explanation she couldn't find. "I know, Sydney," Nadia answered. "And that probably
sounds strange right now, but believe me, I know how this must seem." Sydney stood on the other side of the room, turning back now to stare
back at her sister as though she was a total stranger. "Then explain
this to me." Her tone was harder now, defiant. "Explain to
me how this happens, how this is supposed to seem." Nadia's purse felt like lead in her hands, although she was surprised
by now that her limbs hadn't gone numb entirely. For weeks, months even,
during the entire progression of their affair, she had been paralyzed
only by the thought that this conversation would one day happen between
her and Sydney. She felt the beginning of that paralysis now. "Does Eric know?" Nadia looked back at Sydney, a sudden ache deepening in her chest. She
shook her head slowly, finally. "No," she answered. "You're
the only one." A thought occurred to her then. "Have you told
anyone else?" she asked. "Vaughn...?" Sydney shook her head, quickly. "No." Nadia breathed inward
relief at this, but Sydney wasn't finished. "Did you start... Were
you seeing my father before you ended things with Eric?" Her sister held nothing back, and Nadia braced herself for the other
questions she knew would come. This question was a simple one, but Nadia
knew the answer, and that to speak it aloud would only make her regrets
even stronger than they already were. She couldn't give the answer, and
shut her eyes against it. But Sydney knew the answer without hearing it, and exhaled quickly,
registering this. For the first time Nadia wondered how much Eric had
confided in her about the two of them. "Is this why you broke up
with him?" Sydney asked then. "Yes," Nadia managed to say, nodding briefly as she spoke,
explaining further before Sydney could question her again. "I couldn't…I
couldn't be with two people at once, it wasn't fair to anyone." She
watched as Sydney's lips pressed together, hardened for a moment in a
thin, pale line. Fair. Was this conversation fair? "And you chose my father." "Yes." Sydney shook her head again, bringing her hand to her mouth. Her sister
was struggling so much with what to say or do next, and here Nadia stood,
calmly responding and doing nothing. She didn't know what else to do
either - her feelings for Jack were unchanged, and she had always known
her relationship with him wouldn't be easy. Even if things were to end
now between them, she would leave behind no regrets. But how was she
to explain that to Sydney? She couldn't possibly understand. "Nadia, there is so much you don't know about my father," Sydney
continued then, her voice trembling. "You-" "I understand more than you think, Sydney," Nadia countered. "I'm
sure this is hard for you to believe, but I've spent enough time with
your father to know him for who he is." "Know him for who he is?" Sydney repeated back, incredulously.
Her words carried a tone of anger, now, and Nadia felt her confidence
begin to weaken. "Nadia, you can't possibly know who he is," she
told her swiftly. "You have no idea what you're dealing with here." Nadia sighed, looking back at her sister again. There was so much that
she would never be able to tell Sydney, and so much that she knew she
would never understand. Sydney would never know about the way her father told Nadia of himself,
how much harder it had been for him to share his mind than his body,
and yet how patient she had been with him through everything; How time
seemed to stop when she sat with him; How she still failed to comprehend
the power of expression that existed between them, in its marvelous simplicity. "Nadia, listen to me," Sydney implored, taking her out of
her thoughts again. Sydney's voice became more steady as she spoke, and
determination settled in her posture. "Believe me when I say you
can't possibly know who my father is. I've spent years trying to figure
him out, trying to understand why he does the things he does, and I'm
still trying." "I'm not a naive little girl, Sydney," Nadia interrupted quickly,
suddenly careless of the harshness of her words. "I know Jack has
done some questionable things in his life, but so have the rest of us." Sydney looked back at her for a moment, as if she was genuinely considering
this. Her hand drifted across her mouth again and she unfolded her arms,
approaching her sister. "How much has he told you?" she asked. She sat down on the
sofa, looking up at her sister. Nadia paused for a moment, before taking
the cue and sitting down to join her. "You've only known him for
a little more than a year, and you've been..." Her next words stalled
on her tongue as she continued. "You've been...close...for, what,
a month?" "Two," Nadia answered simply. Sydney's eyebrows lifted for a moment, and she exhaled slowly, but continued. "Nadia,
what I'm about to tell you is something I would hope my father has told
you himself, by now, especially…Especially if you have become as
close to him as you say," she said evenly. Nadia nodded back, anxious now to hear what her sister had to tell her.
The truth was, although she and Jack had spoken a little of their past
circumstances, she knew just as well that there were topics she herself
had avoided around Jack. If that much was true for her, she knew it was
possible for Jack. The feeling returned of ice in the pit of her stomach,
and she waited. "More than a year ago," Sydney began, "When you first
became field-rated with APO, you worked with my father on a mission." She nodded again. "Against Bishop, yes. I remember, Sydney, he
was the man who killed our mother." Sydney's gaze faltered for a moment. "And you killed him." "Of course I killed him," Nadia answered. "I had to,
after what he did, you know that." She looked back up at Nadia, and closed her eyes again for a moment
before finishing what she had to say. "What is it, Sydney," she implored, reaching a hand out to
her sister's. "Tell me." Sydney clasped her fingers around Nadia's, looking down at their hands
and then back at her. "Bishop wasn't the one who carried out the
hit," Sydney said. "He didn't kill Irina." "Then who..." Nadia began to ask, but the expression on Sydney's
face stopped her, finally told her why this was such a difficult thing
to say. "No," she said suddenly, shaking her head. "You
can't mean..." "It was my father, Nadia," Sydney finished. "He was ordered
to carry out the hit, and he did." Nadia pulled her hand away, although she felt very little sensation
now. She stood again abruptly, as her mind raced to try to defend Jack.
It was a losing battle, she knew - all she needed to do was look back
at Sydney to verify that. "You're sure?" she asked in confirmation, her voice nearly
above a whisper "I read the files myself," Sydney answered. "It was in
the information I found when I went to Wittenburg." "And you didn't tell me?" Nadia asked now. It was her turn
to feel angry, suddenly knowing that she had betrayed for all this time
- Jack had lied to her, and Sydney had simply stood by while it happened. Sydney stood again, too, moving closer. "Nadia, I'm so sorry. I
should have told you, I see that now..." "Don't," Nadia answered, stepping away and putting up her
hands. "Don't try to explain this now, there's nothing else you
can say," she said. She could hear the unsteadiness in her voice,
and felt the knot forming in her throat. She turned then to leave - it was the only thing she could think of
then. She had to get out, get away before Sydney could try to explain
anything else. She had to find Jack, make him tell her this was all a
mistake… Nadia grabbed for her keys where she'd tossed them only minutes ago,
and reached for the door before Sydney could stop her. Something must have happened, he could hear as much in her strained
voice over the phone. He was agitated now, worried for her and already
forming plans in his mind to cover any possible situation he could think
of. He wondered if she would need to leave the country, if he could conceivably
release her from APO for a few days or a week, without too much concern
arising... Finally she arrived, striding towards him and silencing the thoughts
that surrounded him. He could see that she'd been crying, and his hands
lifted from his sides, reaching for her. "Nadia, what is it?" he asked, although she stopped a few
paces away from him. He moved more closely towards her and she stepped
back, avoiding his touch. This silenced him. "Did you lie to me?" she asked him, as Jack had barely had
time to formulate his next words. He looked back at her questioningly, uncertain what she was getting
at. When he'd left her just over an hour ago, she'd seemed calm, even
happy. She'd kissed him deeply when she left, and had even said she was
tempted to stay longer. "What do you mean?" he asked. He tried to remember what he
had talked about to her that day. "About Bishop," she said, anger in her words. "When you
sent me on my first mission for APO, after you'd told me about what happened
to my mother." Recollection finally dawned on him, and his eyes closed slowly as he
swallowed. Somehow he had thought he would still have a chance to be
the one to tell her. He'd thought he would be able to wait for the right
moment, to explain why he'd had to do it... "So it's true?" she asked breathlessly. "You had me kill
him, you made me believe he was the one who killed my mother." She
shook her head, still in disbelief. "But it was you all along..." Her
words sounded of disgust, and inside he recoiled against them. "That man needed to be eliminated," Jack responded evenly, "As
did your preoccupation with the death of your mother." Her hand made swift contact with his cheek, abruptly enough for him
to pause and consider his next words. Still, he didn't get the chance
to continue just yet. "Don't you dare try to justify this with me now," she told
him angrily. "We're far past that. You could have told me the truth
about this so many times before this. Before we..." Her voice faltered
then, and she drew a hand across her mouth. "Nadia, you need to understand all of it," he began again,
trying to tell her the rest of the story which she so plainly had not
heard. "How can you possibly say that?" she countered. "My mother
is dead! Because of you, I will never know her now!" "She would have killed Sydney if I hadn't done it," he interrupted,
nearly shouting back at her. He paused again, stopped by the expression
on her face. When he spoke again his words were halting, nearly as scattered
as he felt. He could feel his hands shaking, and tried to calm himself. "I
had to do it to keep her safe." Somehow he had thought there would be more for him to say, when he finally
revealed all of this to Nadia. Instead he found these few words were
all he was left with, and as much as he had wrestled with his decision
for so many months, each time he questioned himself the answer was always
the same; He did it to protect Sydney, and if he had to, he would have
done it again. Nadia's expression showed how clearly she had been taken aback by this,
and she found no way to respond to this. Jack exhaled. "I see Sydney failed to inform you of that detail," he
commented, stung that Sydney would have been so selective. He wondered
how the revelation of his connection to Irina's death had come about,
and guessed it had been Sydney's way of retaliating against him after
discovering their affair. Well, he thought. At least now Sydney knows. He reached for Nadia, only to have her draw away once more. "Nadia,
we should talk about this," he tried again. She shook her head, avoiding his gaze. When she finally turned her eyes
towards him again he saw the pain they held, and it nearly broke him
to know that he was the one to have caused it. A thousand regrets came
to him at once, and of all of them he couldn’t find the one that
he felt the most. "It's too late for that," she said. "It's too late for
a lot of things." He watched her turn away from him in the darkness, keeping his gaze
on her even as she finally drove away. A empty glass of brandy stood on the table beside Sydney's bed. She'd
waited up for a long while after Nadia left, so many thoughts occupying
her until she gave up and poured herself a drink. She was trying in vain
to find some sense in everything that had happened that night. All this time, she thought to herself. Nadia had been seeing her father
all this time and Sydney hadn't known a thing. She shook her head, leaning
back against her pillows. There were times she simply couldn't believe
how fast the world could change around her - and then times like this
when she berated herself for ignoring something that must have been so
obvious to her if only she'd been paying attention. She'd pulled a book from her shelf, had even opened it to the page she'd
left it at when she'd picked it up a few days ago. She couldn't see any
of the words in front of her; In her mind's eye all she could see was
Nadia's face before she'd run off, completely stricken and in a whirlwind
of confusion. Sydney rather thought she could sympathize with that feeling, even if
she was still struggling to understand these particular circumstances. She was still awake in her room when she finally heard the front door
open, and sat up, listening. Nadia's footsteps were quiet, as she closed
the door behind her and made her way slowly to her room. Sydney swung
her legs over the edge of her bed, waiting a minute longer, and got up
finally. A moment later Sydney stood at Nadia's door, knocking gently before
letting herself in. She found Nadia sitting on her bed, her gaze distant.
Sydney paused for a moment, feeling even more sympathetic than she had
thought. Never before had she seen Nadia with such an expression of defeat,
even after all else that had happened to her. "You were right," Nadia said simply, as Sydney approached.
New tears were still fresh in her eyes as she spoke. Sydney shook her head back at her sister, reaching the bed and sitting
down next to her. "Nadia, I'm so sorry," she offered back,
honesty and grief in her voice. "Truly, I am...I wish I didn't have
to be." Nadia looked down at her hands, hearing the response. "I know," she
answered. She ran both hands through her hair, letting them rest at her
forehead. She leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. "I
wish that, too," she said finally. "Oh, Nadia..." Was all she could say, then. She put an arm
around her shoulders, and reached the other around to embrace her completely
as Nadia leaned back towards her. Sydney stayed with her the next day, calling in a sick day for both
of them. Most of the time Nadia kept to her room, limiting her conversation.
She'd retreated into herself, and Sydney could see her trying to work
through everything that had happened. It would take longer than a couple
of days to figure out her next moves, she was sure. The day after that Sydney went to work and avoided her father as studiously
as possible. It wasn't hard, given that Sloane was usually the one who
called the shots lately, but still - no one else knew about Nadia and
Jack, and she didn't relish being the one to make that news public to
anyone else. It was hard enough for her at the moment to simply be in
professional contact with her father, let alone reveal his personal affairs. That night she'd returned home late. She was already wearily conemplating
the work ahead of her for the rest of the week, when there was a knock
at the door. She opened the door to find her father waiting on the other side. Truly,
she had a mind to slam the door closed again right away, but it was perhaps
his audacity to come here in person that gave her pause. Wordlessly,
she stepped aside to let him in, and he did so with no additional explanation. "I can't wait to hear this," she said immediately, closing
the door hard enough to rattle windowpanes. "I realize this is difficult for you to understand," he countered
back, "But here is only so long you can hide her away under the
pretense of illness." "Nadia's not here right now," she told him bluntly. "And
quite frankly I'm glad she isn't." "Fine," he answered just as abruptly. "In any case I
came here to talk to you." She spread her hands, faced him in the empty entryway. "All right,
so talk." Jack didn't falter at this. Years of experience in his relationship
with Sydney had never left much room for small talk, and her abrupt manner
didn't seem to faze him in the least. He swallowed. "I don't suppose
you would tell me...how your sister is doing," he said. Her breath left her in a quick exhalation, a puff of derision. She shook
her head, her gaze falling to her feet as she folded her arms. "No,
I don't suppose that I would." She looked back at him, bringing
her hardened gaze back to his. "I am sure you must feel some anger towards me, now that you know," he
said, as if reviewing what he had planned to say to her. She scoffed. "Now why would you think that?" "Come now, Sydney, be reasonable." "Oh, I don't think so. I don't think I need to do anything, not
after you deceived me and took advantage of my sister." "Is that what you think this is about?" Sydney considered this for a moment, trying to find a way to make her
father understand just how incomprehensible this situation was. Clearly
he had found some kind of connection with Nadia, and she had reciprocated
long enough to keep them together for a matter of weeks and months...Still,
he couldn't possibly have believed she would welcome this. She lifted an eyebrow, the answer coming to her. "How would you
feel if I slept with Arvin Sloane?" Her tone was harsh, cold, almost
vengeful, and yet calm and measured - almost calculated. He stiffened at this, and she could tell she had struck the right nerve.
If he had thought to make that comparison then he hadn't given it much
weight; She could see the agitation it caused him just then. "That's what you would compare this to?" he asked, his voice
straining now against his own aggravation. He wouldn't back down easily,
that much she could tell, but she also knew that it would take more than
verbal sparring to make him see the horrible situation he had created. "It's exactly what I would compare this to," she responded
easily. "You deceived Nadia, kept her from seeing the truth about
the people she cares about. And you used your lies to her for your own
gain." His jaw stiffened. "There are two people involved in this, I am
not the only one who-" "If you had been playing on an even field, I'd be willing to believe
you," she interrupted. "But you weren't, not even close. Nadia
has no idea about the kind of person you are," she nearly shouted
back. "I must admit I had thought you would harbour some harsh will towards
me if you discovered my relationship with your sister..." "As if you could even call it that." "...But," he continued, ignoring her interruption, "I
hadn't guessed you would try to turn her against me so swiftly." "I didn't need to do anything to turn her against you," Sydney
spat back. "She controls her feelings all by herself." "I'm sure you didn't mind steering her in one direction." "She's my sister." "And I'm your father." Anger was hidden in his words now. "Don't remind me," she said furiously. Even she was surprised
at her reaction to him, to all of this, even after a couple of days had
passed. But her vehemence flowed through her words like heat, and she
couldn't stop herself from lashing out now if she wanted to. "I've
had years of dealing with your betrayal and deception, Nadia's only had
a few days. If I was going to pick sides, the choice was damned easy," she
added, a blunt admission of allegiance that seemed to surprise him. "You're not even going to pretend to listen to me," he said,
almost too calmly, as if only now realizing this for himself. She folded her arms again, lifting her chin as she looked him in the
eye, resuming her earlier stance with a renewed sense of power. "You
don't deserve her," she said finally, clearly. "And she deserves
so much more than someone like you." He raised an eyebrow, and paused finally to button his coat before answering. "You
may be right," he said. "She certainly has that chance now,
thanks to the timing of your honesty." "You will not make me into the enemy here," she answered immediately. "Not
this time. You are the one who did this to her and if you can't find
a way to admit your faults then I am not going to be the one to save
you this time." Jack stared back at her for a long time, as if deciding whether or not
to respond. Finally, he simply nodded. "All right, Sydney. Have
it your way," he added, before turning to leave. Nadia heard the front door close as Jack left, and then came to stand
in the doorway of her room in time to see Sydney turn around, leaning
back against the door as she took in a deep breath. Her hands were trembling
slightly. She breathed in again, as if willing herself to calm down. Although Sydney was a woman who was quite used to defending the things
she stood for - and the people she cared about - Nadia had rarely seen
Sydney become so confrontational with her father. She hadn't asked her
sister to do this for her, nor had she expected it. After a moment Sydney stood straight again, squaring her shoulders and
stepping back inside the apartment. She saw Nadia and paused in her tracks. "How much of that did you hear?" she asked. "Enough," Nadia admitted. Sydney let her gaze fall again, running both hands through her hair. "Nadia,
I'm sorry." Nadia sniffed. "I'm beginning to really dislike that phrase," she
said, wrapping her sweater tightly around herself. She came farther into
the living room and sat down on the couch, leaning back and tucking one
foot beneath her. Wordlessly, Sydney approached her sister and sat down next to her. She
looked down at her hands, figuring out what to say next. "Should
I have told him you were here?" she asked. Nadia shook her head. "No. I’ll have to see him eventually,
but right now I don't even know what I would say to him." Sydney leaned back against the cushions and let out a sigh. "I
know I shouldn't lose my cool with him like that. It just happens, and
I can't seem to stop myself." "It's all right," Nadia said, truthfully. "I understand." Sydney sighed again, thinking. "I just don't want him to hurt you," she
explained after a moment's pause. Nadia closed her eyes for a moment, before offering her sister a rueful
smile. "Too late," she said. Just then she watched as Sydney's
expression took on more sympathy, and then wondered to herself that her
circumstances must look very bad indeed for someone to look at her that
way. "What can I do?" Sydney asked, although Nadia knew she would
have no answer for her. She shook her head. "Nothing," she said, and let Sydney reach
for her hand. "I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but
it's all I can give you. I have to do this by myself." "I don't hate him," Nadia revealed simply, and registered
Sydney's surprise at her statement. She turned to look at her sister
as she spoke. "It's true that I feel hurt, and even betrayed...but
I don't think I can hate him, Sydney. Even after everything that I know
now...I feel too much for him to simply give up on him." Nadia caught her eye again and her sympathy for her sister only increased.
She knew this would be hard for Sydney, however things turned out, but
what she hadn't counted on was why. Nadia had stepped into a part of
Jack Bristow's life and seen a side of him that Sydney would never know,
or possibly be able to inhabit as she had. But to her surprise, Sydney nodded silently, considering Nadia’s
words. “I know,” was all she said. "I think I can understand
that." “Is that why you’ve been so kind to me, these last few days?” she
asked without thinking. "It's just...I had no idea how you would
react when you found out about us.” She looked down at her hands
again. “I didn’t think you would be able to talk about it
with me.” Beside her, Sydney let out a sigh. “I was angry at first...I think
I was also just surprised that you could have been involved with my father
in that way.” "Sydney, you have to know I never wanted to hurt you, either," Nadia
said, turning to face her. "I know," Sydney answered. "I do know that. And as much
as I wished I could have kept you from being hurt..." she shook
her head for a moment, "I also know this isn't really about me." She
shrugged a little then, offering Nadia a brief smile. Nadia took her sister's hand in hers. "Thank you." Early one morning Nadia waited for Jack, back along the walkway at Griffith
Park where she had last spoke to him. Only this time, she would offer
him something more than the confrontation that overwhelmed her before. He arrived exactly when he said he would. She greeted him wordlessly,
glancing over at him before resting her hands once more along the railing.
Jack said nothing, only waited at her side to hear what she would say
- in truth she found this made it that much harder to say the things
she had in mind. "The first thing I want you to know," she began, "Is
that I do not regret the time I spent with you." In her peripheral
vision she could see his gaze shifting towards her, following every word. "I'm glad," he offered. "What I do regret, Jack," she continued as she turned to face
him, "Is that I allowed myself to be deceived by you. In the end
you made me feel exactly what I didn't want to be - naïve." "You shouldn't blame yourself," Jack interjected then. "Oh, I don't blame myself," Nadia responded quickly. "That's
something completely different. But I do have regrets. You have to realize,
the last time a man made me feel this way, I killed him." Jack's chin tilted up a little as he looked back at her, clearly considering
this message. She continued before he could have the chance. "That isn't what I wish for you, Jack," she said. "Nadia, you must understand why I did what I did," he responded,
finding words again. "It was never my intention to hurt you." "I know," Nadia answered. "And I know that you did it
for Sydney, and I think, even after everything else, that I can understand
that." He was silent again for a moment, listening and considering again. She
knew confusion would accompany his thoughts just then, and so she spoke
again. "It's strange, after what's happened; I've been thinking a lot
about my mother in the last few days - and after all she was the one
person we never spoke of, in all our time together. All along I thought
that was because we were both capable enough to move past it, but I see
now I was wrong." Jack's brow furrowed slightly as he heard this, but still did not respond
yet. Nadia wondered if he understood what Nadia was getting at. Her gaze
shifted into the distance as she gathered her thoughts. "I never knew my mother. You did, even if it wasn't quite her for
most of that time, and I know how difficult has been for you to come
to terms with what she did. I know my mother wasn't perfect. I know she
betrayed this country, your family...and you. I know she made her choices
and then had to live with them, and that I might not have made some of
those choices if I had been in her position." She took in a breath as she came to the reason she wanted to explain
all of this to him. “I also know that she saw something in you
that made her stay for so many years, I know she must have. I think part
of me wanted to find out what that was - there were times I thought I
saw some of that in you, and I kept searching for it.” "I thought you'd have realized by now," Jack answered gently. "Your
mother stayed for Sydney, not for me." Nadia turned to look at him as she spoke again. "No, that isn't
it. This isn't about Sydney this time, at least not completely." "Nadia, almost everything I have done has been for Sydney." She shook her head again. "If that's the case, then I'm sure becoming
involved with me wasn't part of the plan," she said, watching as
he shifted his for a moment. "Jack, I will be honest with you. I
don't know if I'll be able to forgive you for what you did. I want to,
and I know it will take time - but that is a path I am willing to take,
even if it is something I must do alone. "Whatever it was that my mother saw in you for all those years,
I think she took it with her when she betrayed you. I can see that in
your face whenever you talk about her, and when I mention her now." "And why do you think that is?" Jack asked as he turned his
gaze away again. His voice had hardened slightly. Nadia reached out a hand towards him. She rested her hand at his cheek,
turning his face to hers again. "I think you couldn't be honest with me, because to do that you
needed to first be honest with yourself." He moved away from her suddenly, recoiling against her words. For a
moment he leaned against the railing, his figure bent in thought. "Nadia, even you cannot comprehend all the things that woman did.
To me, or to others." She let her hands come to rest at her sides, watching him and feeling
suddenly more helpless than she could ever remember feeling. "That might be true, Jack," she admitted, her voice calm. "But
the next steps you take now are not ones that I can take with you." "I never asked you to take my path with me." "I know that, too." She shook her head. "You never asked
me to, and I never expected it." "Then what is it that you expect of me now?" He straightened
again. "I expect nothing from you Jack, not if you cannot find honesty
within yourself. You have a choice now, and I think it is the same choice
that has been before you for many years. It will be hard for you to make,
but if you can find the way forward, then I can tell you I will be waiting
on the other side." "Honesty," he repeated after a moment, almost tauntingly. "Nadia,
I don't need to explain to you the kind of world we both live in; More
lives are ended by honesty than secrecy." She exhaled a long breath, recognizing the immensity of what she was
asking him. "You asked me what I expect from you," she said. "And
this isn't something I expect of you, but it is what I want. This is
not about the world we live in, or the people we work with, or even about
you and me. This is about you." "You are not asking something I can give you," he said, his
voice reaching just above a whisper. "Perhaps," she admitted, just as softly. "But I want
to believe that it is." She left him that morning without any word of goodbye, without any further
touch or affirmation. When she turned away she didn't - couldn't - look
back. A knot had formed in her throat that kept any other words at bay. If
she looked back, she wasn't sure she was prepared for what she would
see. Not defeat, Jack. Not defeat. Months later Nadia found herself in a familiar restaurant, the same
place she had found herself dining alone on many occasions recently.
She was enjoying a fine dinner, although she had ordered a glass of less
ambitious wine to accompany it. Nadia had discovered she could no longer
enjoy the taste of the same wines that she used to. Work at APO continued just as it had before, except that now when she
avoided Jack's presence it is less for professional protocol than for
her own self-preservation. She knew ultimately that what she had asked
for from him was indeed too much, and she now found it simply too hard
to be around him only to expect disappointment. For the last two weeks he has been away from APO altogether. When she
inquired with Sydney about it once and was told Jack had taken a brief
leave, her heart sank further. Just then a waiter arrived just as she was finishing her meal, and cleared
away her plate. She thanked him and leaned back in her chair, waiting
to receive the cheque and to return home alone to what was now her own
apartment. But when the waiter returned he was carrying a new glass,
and a freshly opened bottle of wine. She was caught by surprise for a moment. Receiving no immediate objection
from her, the waiter showed her the label for approval - one she hasn't
seen in months - and then poured her a glass. "Excuse me," Nadia interjected finally. She shook her head. "I
didn't order this." He smiled at her as he set the bottle down on the table. "I know,
miss. The gentleman did." Her breath nearly caught in her throat. "Which gentleman?" "At the bar, miss." The waiter gestured towards the far side
of the restaurant near the bar, where a few patrons sat in private conversation.
But one man in particular was the one she knew he meant, and one who
at that moment had his eyes trained on her. Jack Bristow was smiling, and smiling only for her. "Wait," she said, stopping the waiter as he started to move
away. She glanced back at Jack, who was already standing to make his
way over to her. She could not help but smile back. "I'll need a
second glass." ~~FIN~~ |
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